Total pages in book: 77
Estimated words: 71246 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 356(@200wpm)___ 285(@250wpm)___ 237(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 71246 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 356(@200wpm)___ 285(@250wpm)___ 237(@300wpm)
Lex arrives just a couple of minutes later, jumping out of his truck as soon as it’s parked. He walks up to me and takes my face into his hands.
“You okay?” Everything about him, his voice, the look in his eyes, even his body language tells me one thing. He is concerned for me.
He doesn’t care about my eyes being puffy from crying. He doesn’t care about me making a scene in the parking lot, or that I made him come and get me when he is supposed to be working. All he cares about is me and if I’m okay.
“Yes, I’m okay now.” And I am, now that he is here, I already feel a million times better.
They transfer me to Lex’s truck, and away we go, speeding toward his house.
When we get to his place, he guides me to the couch, and I sit, he quickly follows suit, sitting next to me, curling his arms around me. I let it all out, not holding back a thing. All the anger and disappointment. I’m mourning all the years I have lost, mourning a childhood I’ll never get back, and a family I should have had.
“That’s right, I got you. You just let it out. No one here is watching, no one here is going to talk to you about it. It is just your time to feel anything you want. I’ve got you, Jude, and I’ll always have you.”
He kisses my temple, and I lean into his shoulder even deeper, the tears falling faster than I can wipe them away.
I have never felt safer. Never felt so happy to have found Lex, to have found a family who will not only protect me but also, my baby. That, I have no doubt.
It takes me a while to settle, but Lex stays with me the entire time. To his credit, he doesn’t get up and try to distract me or make tea so that he can avoid being present with me, he simply sits with me. He lets me know it is okay. Lets me know, I’m safe and that he wants me, even like this. A complete and utter mess. When I’m finally able to pull myself together, he kisses me on the head again and releases me.
“Do you want to talk about what happened? You don’t have to, but I’m here if you do. Sometimes just saying it out loud helps.”
“I don’t know, it’s so painful and dark.”
Lex simply watches me, digesting every word I say. “What happened at the coffee shop is painful and dark, or something else?”
It was the exact right question to ask, because, for the first time, I feel like I could tell him some of it. I want to open up to him, to bloom into a flower.
“No, the coffee shop was bad, scary, and embarrassing, really. But that was nothing like what I knew growing up with them.”
Lex picks up my hand and kisses the back of it before putting it back down.
“You can tell me as much or as little as you want. I’m right here, listening to anything you have to say.”
“I don’t know what there is to tell you, specifically. You saw what he did to my back. But that was… there were years of that. My entire life, I’ve tried to figure out ways to cover up the marks.”
Lex grits his teeth and his body tenses, but I know I can’t manage his anger for him. I just have to stick right here with what I’m feeling. That’s as much as I can do.
“It wasn’t like everybody in our community did that. He just had really high expectations of me. He is the leader of our religious community. He has to set the example, and I was not an easy child. Or at least, so I have been told.”
“Easy or not, no child deserves that.” His tone is gritty and dark and dangerous. I know in my gut that if my father was here right now, Lex would likely hurt him. I can’t blame him for that. Even I want to hurt my father sometimes. Want him to feel the same pain he’s inflicted on my mother and me, but hurting him wouldn’t change what’s already occurred. It wouldn’t make the scars on my back disappear or the pain in my heart.
“Besides, I’m sure you were an angel,” Lex’s voice softens.
“I don’t know about that,” I smile lazily, “but you are right. No child deserves to be treated like that. I would never let a child be harmed. I would do anything to protect them.”
I never realized how deeply the protective mechanism was when you had your own child at play. The fact that I could never hurt my baby, but my dad could hurt his was a stark new reality. It told me more about his screwed-up psychology. It made it more about him and less about the religion and the community.