Total pages in book: 77
Estimated words: 71246 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 356(@200wpm)___ 285(@250wpm)___ 237(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 71246 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 356(@200wpm)___ 285(@250wpm)___ 237(@300wpm)
“That may have been a big mistake. I don’t want you to get the wrong idea.”
“I bet you didn’t think it was a mistake when you were coming in my mouth.” He laughs now and reaches out to try to pull me back to him. But I’m not having it.
“I was confused last night after seeing my mom, all I wanted to do was forget about it. I just wanted to feel good for a few hours. To have something other than that horrible woman and that horrible experience to think about.”
Lex’s face falls, but I don’t want to lie to him. Sex with him is great, but what we did yesterday was nothing more than a distraction, or at least that’s what I’m going to continue to tell myself.
“Jude, what happened yesterday? What was all that? What happened to make you feel that strongly about her? I have never seen anybody who felt that way about their mother. Don’t get me wrong, I won’t hug and love on mine if I ever see her again, but I wouldn’t yell at her like that either.”
His words bring forth a pang of new guilt. I don’t want to hate my mother, truly, but I’m not sure how else to feel. She let my father beat me, she stood by and watched as he beat me, not once, but many, many times. She never shed a tear, never told him to stop. She turned the other cheek, looked away when I needed her most. I couldn’t share that with Lex. I couldn’t diminish what he thought of me further.
“I don’t want to talk about it. I’m not talking about it. I need to think about getting a new job. That is all that I need or want to think about.”
My words must sting because he pulls away and turns his back to me as he gets up and walks out of the bedroom without another word. I hate that I hurt his feelings. I know he feels pushed away. But it has to be this way. I can’t get attached.
I pull the sheet up and around me, not wanting to be naked any longer. I cannot have him see the soreness in my heart at pushing him away. I cannot have him find out I’m pregnant. I’m not ready to think about that. I am not ready to talk about it. I am not ready to have him get close.
I need a few more days of independence before it is all washed away. Before it is all gone, never to return. There is no way out. But the last thing I need is to feel dependent, even if I am dependent.
Tears sting my eyes, and I look out the window at the trees. I realize how easy they have it. No emotions, no parents to abuse them or beat them with a belt, no one to marry and become the slave of. No one to tell them they can’t go to school, they can’t learn, they can’t grow, they can’t be who they’re supposed to be. Trees have it so much easier than we do.
How do I raise a kid with this much baggage? How do I teach a child about the possibility of goodness if I have never known any? How do I understand what a child even needs after what I’ve been through? There is no hope. Some part of me feels like I should have just married Bartholomew.
But I can’t. I won’t. This is not his baby. I won’t do that to myself, and I won’t do that to my child. I don’t know whether to trust Lex, not really. But he has got to be better than them. Anything is better than them.
Lex walks back in after using the bathroom and slides back into bed.
“I know someone who can help you with a job.”
“Really?” I’m a bit shocked that he would return to bed offering to help me find a job after I pushed him away, but Lex has such a kind heart, it’s not that surprising.
“Really.”
I turn to search his face, clutching the sheet to my chest, and realize his smile is beaming up at me. I decide I need a little more comforting and move to lie with my back against his front, and he wastes no time scooping my body into his big spoon.
After a few more hours of sleep, he takes me to school, but rather than dropping me off, we get there early so he can take me to see his brother, the Dean. We wait outside the office until his secretary ushers us in, and then I am standing in front of the man who has the power of life and death over my academics. If he doesn’t like me, he can kick me out. And here we are, asking him for a job, which Lex assures me is the right thing to do.