Total pages in book: 93
Estimated words: 87950 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 440(@200wpm)___ 352(@250wpm)___ 293(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 87950 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 440(@200wpm)___ 352(@250wpm)___ 293(@300wpm)
“Don’t be afraid, Matt. Please don’t be afraid of me.” I hadn’t realized how intently I’d been staring at the wet patch on his stomach until he spoke. Ripping my gaze away from him, I looked at the pillows instead.
“I’m not.” My voice was so weak there’s no way he could’ve believed me.
“You can’t lie. Not to me.” Still holding my hand, he squeezed it tenderly. “It’s good that you’re thinking about the risks. It means you know how serious it is.”
“Of course I know how serious it is,” I snapped, immediately regretting my curt tone. “I’m sorry. I don’t want to be afraid of anything with you. I just…” I trailed off, not knowing how the hell I felt about it.
“You don’t know enough about it yet. A ten-minute Google search isn’t nearly enough. But that’s what the doctor and the counseling sessions are for. And know that we won’t do anything until you’re ready, and if you’re never ready, that’s okay, too.”
“What are you saying?” My throat felt suddenly tight, as if my heart was trying to push its way free from my chest.
“I’m saying we can stop this at any time. I’d never expect or want you to do anything you’re not comfortable with, and if after speaking to the doctor you don’t think a relationship with me is something you can do, I will respect that.”
“That’s not an option for me,” I said resolutely, shaking my head. “I can’t believe you just said that.”
“Matt,” Alex murmured, sitting up and using his pointed finger to gently push my chin upwards so I was forced to look at him. “I’m not saying it because that’s what I want to happen. Believe me when I say it would destroy me if it did, but I’ve said all along this has to be your decision, and I won’t push you to make one that suits me.”
Fuck, why did he have to say such perfect things to me? As if I wasn’t falling hard enough for him already. My craving for him had made me accept his illness so easily. Too easily. The severity of our situation had suddenly dropped on me from a great height, crushing me, terrifying me, but not once did I regret sitting here, naked and covered in cum, with him. Yes, his HIV status was serious, and yes, it scared me, but with education and time, I would learn to deal with it. I had to. I’d been searching for a purpose in my life and I’d finally found it. Alex was my purpose, my reason for being alive. I’d never given a thought to waking up after going to bed until last night, when, for the first time, I looked forward to waking up just so I could be with him again.
No matter what lay ahead for us, I wasn’t willing to give that up.
Feeling appeased and positive about Dr. Wilson’s visit later, I leaned forward and brushed Alex’s lips with my own. Glancing down, I noticed that when Alex shot his load all over himself some had fallen onto the tidy patch of hair that led a path from his navel to his pubic bone. “You better get that off before it sets in,” I said, playfulness dancing in my voice.
“Wow. What a romantic sentiment to end on.”
“Hey, that proves I care. What kind of man would I be if I left you to let it dry out and get stuck in your hair? It’s painful picking that shit out.”
“Unless I shower. You know, like a normal hygienic person.”
“Fine,” I said, raising my hands and feigning a frown. “I’ll stop looking out for you.”
“Stop sulking. It’ll give you wrinkles.”
“Even wrinkles couldn’t ruin this face,” I teased, smoothing my dry palm across my cheek.
I flopped onto my back, and so did Alex, and for a few seconds we lay in perfect silence. The idea that I should find this situation bizarre continued to peck at my mind, yet the longer I stared at him, the more I found myself wishing I could lie like this with him forever. Everything about him intrigued me, compelled me to him like a magnet. When he wasn’t around it felt like a piece of me was missing, instantly slotting back in to place when he entered the room. I wasn’t sure if I knew the meaning of the word love, but if anyone was going to teach me, I couldn’t imagine it being anyone but Alex.
“I don’t know about you but I need to get cleaned up,” I said, wiping the sticky residue from my hand onto my chest. There’s nothing attractive about sex once it’s over.
“I could go in first and you can join me?” Alex suggested with a sultry smile.
“If I do that we’ll end up all over each other again, and if my dick gets any more friction it’s gonna break out in sores and drop off.”