Total pages in book: 129
Estimated words: 125117 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 626(@200wpm)___ 500(@250wpm)___ 417(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 125117 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 626(@200wpm)___ 500(@250wpm)___ 417(@300wpm)
“Never?”
“Nope. Not even when it would be nicer to.”
Greta felt a mix of relief and fear. Then her head started spinning, and she let it fall to the pillow.
“Will you stay for a minute?”
“Yeah, I’ll stay as long as you want.”
Chapter 18
Greta
Greta woke in Carys’ arms. It took her a minute to realize they were in Carys’ bed rather than her own, or Truman’s, or the rich pig people’s. Warm light streamed in through the window and twinkled in the cut crystals that hung on the sill, throwing sparkling rainbows of light over them.
“So gay,” Greta murmured with an affectionate smile.
Carys kissed her. “I’ll show you so gay.”
They kissed sleepily, lazily, and Carys nuzzled Greta’s neck.
“How’re you feeling?” she asked.
Greta took stock. Her head was throbbing and her throat was dry, but physically, she felt better than she’d expected. Emotionally, on the other hand, she felt anxious. Had she ruined everything last night? Would it be horrible and awkward and stressful?
“Okay,” she said.
Carys passed her some painkillers and a glass of water. “Good. What are you doing today?”
“Nothing.” Greta never did anything. “Um. Gotta walk Horse, but other than that, nothing.”
“Want to explore with me?”
Greta sat up. “Wait, really?”
“Yes, really,” Carys said, smiling. “Why?”
Greta shook her head. “Nothing.”
Carys waited.
“I thought maybe you wouldn’t wanna see me again after last night.”
Carys sat up too and put her hands on Greta’s knees. “Why wouldn’t I want to see you again after last night?”
She didn’t sound like she was playing oblivious but like she wanted to know Greta’s interpretation of what had happened.
“We had…a fight? A difference of opinion. And I got accidentally drunk and fell asleep.”
“Having a difference of opinion’s really common,” she said gently. “Just because I like someone doesn’t mean I have to agree with everything they say or do.”
“Right.”
But Greta couldn’t quite swallow. Wasn’t it a problem if you wanted different things? Believed different things? If you were in a relationship, that is… But they weren’t, really, were they? Because Greta would be leaving at the end of the month.
The thought came so quickly and so automatically that she squeezed her eyes shut.
I don’t want to leave. I want to stay here.
The other voice in her head simply said But you can’t.
“What’s going on for you right now?” Carys asked.
“Ugh. Voices in my head fighting.” Greta rolled her eyes at herself, hoping for levity. But Carys nodded so sincerely that Greta took a deep breath and went on. “I want to stay here. And there’s this voice in my head just saying over and over, You can’t. And it’s…I don’t know how to make it shut up. It makes me feel guilty and freaked the fuck out and—” She broke off because she was scared she was about to start crying.
“Why guilty?”
“Because,” Greta croaked, “I don’t want to disappoint my family. They’ve always been there for me. I know I bitch about them a lot, but I don’t know what I’d do without them. They’re all I’ve ever known, and if they leave me—” Tears welled in her eyes.
“Hey, okay, come here.”
Carys’ strong arms wrapped around her, and Greta let the tears come. She tried to stay quiet, but it was no use. Carys stroked her back as she cried.
“You were talking about feeling guilty to move here and leave your family. But then you said you’re worried they’ll leave you. Why would they leave you?”
Greta hadn’t meant to say that, but once it was out of her mouth, she realized it was true. She wasn’t just afraid of letting them down, although that had been what she concentrated on because it was what she could control. Tears leaked from the corners of her eyes, and she ducked her chin.
“Because if I leave, what if they don’t…”
“Love you anymore?”
Greta nodded miserably.
“Oh, sweetheart,” Carys said. Her voice was exquisitely gentle. “If your family stops loving you because you make a choice that’s best for yourself, that’s not love. That’s control.”
Greta sobbed.
She knew her parents loved her. She knew her sisters loved her—even Sadie. So why was she so damn scared?
“They do love me,” she choked out.
“I believe you,” Carys said. She stroked Greta’s back and her hair and her cheeks.
“But they’d be so hurt if I leave.” And if Greta hurt them, they could hurt her back.
“Why would they be hurt?”
“Because it means I don’t love them.”
“Does it?”
“No!” But that was what they’d think, wouldn’t they? That she was abandoning them, breaking the unspoken Russakoff covenant of sticking together, their family unit against the world.
“You think they’ll interpret you leaving as not loving them?”
She nodded.
Well, okay, not all of them would.
Maggie wouldn’t. Maggie would think it was kick-ass if she moved to New Orleans. She wasn’t even going to be on the island after this semester. Tillie would miss her, but she’d never be mad about it. Sadie would make her feel bad. But Sadie made her feel bad even when she was there.