Total pages in book: 185
Estimated words: 191421 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 957(@200wpm)___ 766(@250wpm)___ 638(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 191421 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 957(@200wpm)___ 766(@250wpm)___ 638(@300wpm)
“And what I really want is to not be with him. What I really want is to not be his girlfriend. What I really wanted when he asked me out was to say no. Because I wanted to go out with you. What I really wanted, when I went to those soccer games to see him, was to see you. When I named my diary Bandit, it was because instead of a diary, I wanted to tell my secrets to you. When you looked at me so cruelly and condescendingly, I wanted to smack you in the face and tell you that I want you to look at me like I’m the only girl you see. And then every time I’d wear a pink dress, knowing that he wouldn’t like it, I did it for you. That even though I kept my eyes away from the window of your room, I always kept my drapes open so I could know that you were there. That I could see you with just a turn of my head, a quick side glance. What I really wanted, Reign, when he kissed me for the first time, was to kiss you. And so I did. On the night of my sixteenth birthday. But you were wrong. I didn’t do it because it was a secret forbidden wish, kissing my boyfriend’s best friend. I did it, I did all of it, because I loved you.
“I owe you an apology though. That I never figured it out. That I didn’t realize that I loved you when I first met you. And so I made you suffer. But I did. I did love you. I loved you when you pushed me away and made me hate you. I loved you when I was with him and I love you now when I’m not. And I will love you even when you leave. Even when you reject me and storm out of here, thinking that I betrayed you when I told you that I’d be your good girl. That I’d go back to him at the end of all this. I won’t. I’m sorry but I won’t.
“And to answer your whys, why I wanted to fix things for you with your brother and with Lucas. Which you probably think has something to do with my good girl complex. It did. But only when I was trying to fix things with Lucas. I realized I was trying to fix things for him because I had the guilt of a good girl. But I’m not a good girl anymore. Or a bad girl even. I’m just a girl. Who wants to love a boy and who wants to take all of his pain away. And so she’ll do anything to fix his problems, to mend broken things, to heal his bruises. Because to her, it’s not fixing or saving. It’s loving. Because that’s how a Bubblegum loves her Bandit. Because that’s how I love you.”
I wish I had water right about now.
Or tissues.
Or both.
Or maybe a little bit of strength left to go on. Or at least just stand here.
Because it hurts.
The way that he’s looking at me. The way he’s still looking at me.
Like he doesn’t know me.
Like he doesn’t know anything.
Like everything is a revelation to him
And then, he hurts me more.
By saying, “It’s over.”
I knew that. I knew he’d say that.
But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.
That doesn’t mean it doesn’t make me furious.
It does.
It makes me so fucking furious that I don’t have to find the strength to go on. It’s already there, in my anger, in my pain, as I ask, “Why?”
His fists on his sides vibrate. His chest vibrates.
His whole body shakes as he growls, “Because you don’t understand what we’re doing here. Because I told you that the minute you make this into something more, something it’s not, I’d leave.”
I can’t believe he just said that to me.
After everything that I told him, he has the audacity to make it about something as silly and petty as sex.
And not only that, he takes a step back from me.
Which I close in the next second.
In fact, I close all the distance and bridge all the gaps and stand toe to toe with him. “No, you don’t understand what we’re doing here.”
His jaw clenches so hard that my own teeth ache. “Get the fuck away from me.”
“No.” I shake my head, fuming. “Not until I make you understand. Not until I get it through your thick Neanderthal skull that it is something more. That this is not just sex. You love me too.”
“What the fuck?”
He looks so horrified right now.
So offended and alarmed.
Disgusted.
That it only fuels my fury even more. “Remember two weeks ago, that funeral we both went to? You lost your shit when you saw my ex-boyfriend take me to a locked room. And then you pinned me to the bathroom door and fucked me like you wouldn’t stop. And before that, do you remember how you tried to blackmail me into giving you my virginity? How you read my diary because you wanted to feel close to me. Not to mention, do you remember last week, Reign? When I wouldn’t stop talking about NYU and you got so upset.”