Total pages in book: 185
Estimated words: 191421 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 957(@200wpm)___ 766(@250wpm)___ 638(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 191421 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 957(@200wpm)___ 766(@250wpm)___ 638(@300wpm)
But I…
That’s what I thought, yeah.
That is exactly what I thought.
That I’m the only one.
That I was the one banished from Lucas’s life while he got to stay.
While Lucas cut me off, I thought Reign got the chance to make up for his mistake. They go to the same college. They play on the same team. Of course, Reign must’ve used it to his advantage and fixed his friendship with Lucas.
Not to mention, their years long history would have played a role in their reconciliation.
My grip on his t-shirt tightens too, my eyes narrowing, stinging. “B-but… You’re both… You’ve been… You’ve been friends since y-you were kids and…”
“And what?” he bites out.
“I-I didn’t think anything could come between you two.”
“Something can.”
My heart drops a beat. “Me.”
“You.”
I can’t…
I can’t comprehend this. I can’t grasp the concept that they’re not friends anymore.
“Turns out I’m a shitty friend,” he says, something flickering in his eyes that I can’t name, or maybe I’m too numb right now to name it. “Turns out I’m the kind of friend you wouldn’t wish upon your worst enemy. So it’s not really that much of a surprise that he’s spiraling out of control. That he’s fucking losing it, and the fact that I’m there for him, that I insist on being there for him, for every one of his fuck-ups, seems to just make everything worse. I do that though, don’t I? I ruin things. I wreck them. I fucking destroy everything I touch.” Another flex of his jaw. “Didn’t think I’d ruin this too though. Didn’t think I had it in me. To destroy the one and the only good thing in my godforsaken life.”
Only when he finishes do I realize what was flickering in his eyes.
What’s still flickering.
Remorse.
Regret. Contrition. Guilt.
I’m surprised that it took me so long to recognize it. When I see it every day.
In the mirror.
In my own eyes.
For hurting the most important person in my life.
He did it too, didn’t he, though?
He hurt the most important person in his life as well. Only I thought he got a chance to fix it. Plus, in my very angry and low moments, I’ve assumed the worst.
That maybe he put the blame on me. Maybe he told Lucas on me.
That I was the one, the slut, who came on to him. That’s what he said on the phone, didn’t he? So then why wouldn’t he say that to Lucas as well? To not only save their friendship — which I didn’t think was in jeopardy to begin with — but also to keep us apart. Something that he always wanted to do.
“You didn’t…” I whisper, my grip on his t-shirt still as tight and painful.
“I didn’t what?”
I lick my lips. “Put the blame on me.”
He glances down at my mouth for a second. “Wasn’t yours.”
“But I was the one who —”
His fingers flex, cutting me off. “It doesn’t matter.”
“But —”
He bends down then, making me press my fists on his shuddering chest even more. “Doesn’t. Fucking matter.”
“I’m sorry,” I blurt out.
He flinches slightly. “What?”
God, what am I saying?
Even though he didn’t take the opportunity that deep down I thought he would have, to keep me away from Lucas, doesn’t mean that he isn’t culpable.
He’s absolutely culpable.
For a million things that came before. For years’ worth of things.
But in this moment, when remorse is so thick in his gaze and I’m still reeling from his revelation — God, how is it even possible that they’re not friends anymore? How’s the world still going on — I can’t help but say it.
I can’t help but confess. “I-I’ve been jealous of you.”
“Jealous.”
I swallow and nod. “Because I thought… I thought you got a chance to fix it all. I thought you weren’t punished. I thought you came out unscathed. After what happened. I thought that you still got to be his best friend and… and I’m the crazy ex-girlfriend who was blocked from everywhere. He wouldn’t even give me a chance to apologize. That entire night, I kept calling and calling and texting and he didn’t respond. And then he did, the next morning and I was…”
“Happy,” he finishes for me.
“Yeah,” I whisper, swallowing again. “Only he picked up to tell me to never ever call him again. That we were done and I got that, you know. I understood why after… everything. But he wouldn’t let me talk. He wouldn’t let me explain and I…”
And so I called him, Lucas’s best friend.
To ask for help.
But we both know how that turned out.
With his room vandalized and me in a reform school.
I shake my head, “So yeah, I’ve been jealous. Of you. Of your friendship. Of the fact that I was the only one who lost everything.”
But it feels so petty now that I say it out loud.
So vengeful.
Yes, there’s no love lost between him and me.