Total pages in book: 78
Estimated words: 87395 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 437(@200wpm)___ 350(@250wpm)___ 291(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 87395 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 437(@200wpm)___ 350(@250wpm)___ 291(@300wpm)
Neil didn't own a phone, but he joined the others in saying, "Yes, Coach."
The room went quiet, and Neil couldn't stand it anymore. "Anything else, Coach, or are we finished?"
"This is a big deal," Dan said. "It changes everything. You don't understand."
"Neil found out when Kevin did," Wymack said. "I already had the talk with him, so he understands just fine. And no, there's nothing else. Abby, they're all yours. Do with them what you will."
Neil got to his feet and started for the door without a backward glance. Dan tried to call him back for his physical, but Abby quieted her.
Renee caught up with him outside. "Unfortunately this news means Andrew can't give you a ride back to the dorm," she said. "Kevin needs him right now and that trumps whatever agreement you two had. If you're okay with waiting a bit, though, you're more than welcome to ride with us. There's plenty of room in Matt's truck."
Neil meant to say no, but what came out was, "Why does Kevin trust Andrew?"
Renee smiled. "Because he knows he can."
"With so much at stake," Neil pressed, as if she didn't understand what was going on as well as he did. Maybe she didn't. Maybe she couldn't understand what Kevin was risking and what he would face if Andrew failed. She wasn't like them. She was normal, or as normal as the Foxes could hope to be. Gangs and blood feuds were things out of movies. Neil hated that she couldn't understand, but he hated more that he did. "With so much at stake he honestly thinks Andrew is enough?"
Renee held out her hand to him. "Neil," she said, so gently he wondered if she'd even heard him. "Neil, please wait for us."
"No," Neil said, taking a step back. "I know the way. Thank you."
He rolled his papers into a tube and jogged away. She didn't call after him, but he felt her stare on the back of his head. As soon as he reached the far edge of the parking lot he sped up to a full-out run.
The run did nothing to calm the restless anxiety gnawing at his stomach. He reached the dorm in worse spirits than he'd left the stadium. He tried to distract himself by putting his things away, but he ended up pacing the room with his empty duffel bag in his hands. His fifth time around he couldn't take it anymore. He fell to his knees and yanked at his dresser, hurriedly unloading his few outfits so he could get to his safe. He punched the code in and undid the combination lock, needing to see his binder. He went through it cover to cover, checking and recounting everything.
He shouldn't have come here. He shouldn't have stayed once he heard about the district change and found out who the Moriyamas were. Andrew getting into his things should be the last straw, even though Andrew hadn't said anything yet about what was in Neil's folder. Maybe Andrew wasn't smart enough to check the slips, or maybe he'd written the folder off the second he realized it was basically a shrine to Kevin and Riko. But Neil couldn't just assume Andrew hadn't found his money. For all he knew Andrew was waiting to throw it in his face later.
Panic told him to go now, but Neil couldn't move. A quieter voice beneath his fear kept him from getting up again. Neil still remembered Kevin's breakdown at Wymack's last month. Kevin's fear cut him wide open because Neil knew that feeling. Every day Neil woke up and relearned how to breathe. He gave himself two minutes every morning to calculate his chances of getting caught, weigh the benefits of staying wherever he was, and talk himself through his fear.
Did Kevin do the same? The dead look Kevin turned on Andrew today was the same look Neil saw in his reflection. When Neil stopped acting, when he stopped worrying about who was watching, when he let go of the lies that kept him alive, that was the only expression he could make.
Neil repacked his safe and dug out the cigarettes he'd bought at the store earlier. He went to the window, undid the two locks that kept it closed, and shoved the pane up as far as he could. A screen kept him from leaning out, but he pressed against it so hard it creaked. He lit a cigarette and watched it burn. The acrid smell of smoke and fire took the edge of his nerves, but the familiar and quiet grief that followed made everything worse.
No matter how alike he and Kevin really were, the critical difference between them made Neil feel worlds away from all of this. Kevin had Andrew to lean on, and Neil had no one at all to confide his hopelessness and loneliness in. Whether Neil left today or tomorrow or next week, he'd leave alone. Two, five, ten years from now, if Neil was even still alive, he'd still be alone. He could be anyone, anywhere in the world, but he'd be alone until the day he died. He'd never trust anyone enough to let them in.
And that was why Neil couldn't go.
Even if everything in Neil screamed at him to run, Neil couldn't do it, not after seeing that little show between Kevin and Andrew today. Maybe he was pathetic, or maybe he was too jealous to walk away. Maybe Neil just needed to understand.
Why did Kevin always get more? Kevin lived with an awful family, but he had a home and a reputation and a following. He grew up in the spotlight while Neil was left looking over his shoulder in a dozen countries around the world. Kevin lost his hand but gained his freedom. He was stubborn enough and skilled enough to pick up where he'd left off, even if it meant learning how to play with his weaker hand. He had a coach and a teammate willing to defy the Moriyamas for him. Why? Why did Kevin deserve all that?