Total pages in book: 165
Estimated words: 154925 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 775(@200wpm)___ 620(@250wpm)___ 516(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 154925 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 775(@200wpm)___ 620(@250wpm)___ 516(@300wpm)
Ian shuddered. “I just did. I think only the taste of pizza might erase it.”
She ignored Ian because she knew who she was really talking to. “I thought he was in a car accident and his friend died. That’s all he’s ever told me. He doesn’t like to talk about the past.”
It had worked for them before, but now she understood if they didn’t deal with his past, they couldn’t have a future. Didn’t have a future. Unlike most people, his past had fangs and claws and a vendetta against her.
Ian nodded. “I’m sure he put it exactly like that, but I think there’s far more. He’s a moron who can’t understand that shit happens and there’s not a lot you can do about it.”
“Kyle blames himself for the accident, and that one moment sent him into a spiral,” Kai explained. “Since he was young and lost his father in a similar way, Kyle has difficulty feeling like the world is a safe place. He was a kid when he lost his father, then he lost his friend, and the mind can make odd connections. Illogical connections.”
“Dumbass connections that cause him to act like a damn fool,” Ian insisted.
“We think Kyle…” Kai began.
But she had this one. “You think I should forgive him because he’s had to deal with so much loss that the idea of losing me made him do something he wouldn’t normally do. I understand that. And I understand that men have trouble processing trauma, especially when it has to do with relationships. But I can’t change how he made me feel. I don’t know that I can feel safe with him again.”
Ian groaned. “I married a mob princess who faked her own death and left me hanging for five years. Safety is negotiable. Unless you have some unprocessed trauma of your own.”
“I believe Ian is pointing out the fact that you are one of the most forgiving and kind people he knows. You have one button and Kyle pushed it,” Kai said.
“A button?” She shook her head. It wasn’t a hard leap to know what they were talking about. She’d lost her mom, but she’d worked through that. Her mother hadn’t wanted to leave her. “I know Kyle isn’t my father.”
They both stared at her.
And she really thought about it. Did she know Kyle wasn’t her dad? It was one thing to acknowledge that a person or event hurt her. It was another to dig into that pain and figure out how it affected the rest of her relationships. Her father had chosen another woman over her. Other children.
Wasn’t that what Kyle had done? Julia Ennis walked back into his life and he was done with you. He was biding his time until someone better came along. Just like your dad. He never loved you. Only your mom. The minute she was gone he was out the door. No one is going to…
“Damn it.” She sat down. “I hate it when I have to be self-reflective.”
Ian slapped at the conference table. “It’s the worst. It’s so much better to ignore it all.”
She sighed because there were those tears again. She hadn’t felt them in months and months, and now they seemed to well up. Now they seemed like a temptation she couldn’t afford.
“Mae, you’re traumatized, too, and you won’t talk about it,” Kai said quietly. “Neither one of you will talk about it. She nearly killed you.”
“It wasn’t that bad.” It was only a broken arm.
That wasn’t all she broke. She broke you, and you aren’t willing to do the work to heal yourself. You would rather ignore it because healing yourself means opening yourself up to that pain again.
Are you willing to spend the rest of your life encased in ice?
She called it anger and practicality, but wasn’t it fear?
“See, I told you it was fine,” Big Tag agreed. “She’s great. She’s happy and acting completely normal, and she’s not going to let this affect the rest of her life. Kyle was a dumbass and he hurt her, and he gets what he deserves.”
“Fuck you, Ian. That’s not fair.” Her chest felt too tight.
“But isn’t that right?” Ian’s expression had softened. “Don’t we get what we deserve?”
Wasn’t that what her dad had told her? She got the grades she deserved. Later they’d found out she couldn’t see the chalkboard and needed glasses, but the lesson had been learned. When she got robbed a few years back, her stepmom had asked her why she’d been walking alone at night. What had she been wearing? If she didn’t get a job, it was because she hadn’t worked hard enough. The world told her time and time again.
Julia Ennis had told her. Julia Ennis believed she deserved Kyle because she was the strongest and the smartest.
How many times had some asshole thought they deserved sex with her because they’d bought dinner? How many times had some guy thought because she’d been nice to him that he deserved a relationship with her?