Total pages in book: 88
Estimated words: 86883 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 434(@200wpm)___ 348(@250wpm)___ 290(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 86883 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 434(@200wpm)___ 348(@250wpm)___ 290(@300wpm)
“And what, you think you can come around here half-cut on scotch and tell me that after what you did?”
“Yes, yes, I do. Because here I am, Bianca, standing in front of you, telling you that you’re the best fucking thing to ever happen to me.”
“Seriously, Massimo, I’m sure the neighbors don’t appreciate your declarations of love at twelve thirty at night,” Eve interjects.
But Massimo doesn’t care.
“Fuck the neighbors.” But he pushes inside and before I realize it, my shoulder blades are against the wall, and he has me pinned with those dark and stormy eyes and an expression that warns of more bad weather to come. “I can’t wait until tomorrow or the next day or whenever the fuck you think you want to talk to me again. I need to know now.”
“You need to know what?”
“If you don’t want me anymore.”
He looks tortured, and I can hear the pain and desperation in his voice, and it hits me right where my heart lies broken in my chest.
“Massimo—”
He grabs my face and presses his forehead to mine. “Is it over, Bianca? Have I lost you?”
His breath is sweet like scotch and sugar, his lips close enough to kiss. And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t aching to feel them on mine.
“Tell me I haven’t lost you,” he begs.
I can barely breathe, let alone swallow.
“Go home, Massimo. I don’t want to do this anymore.”
45
BIANCA
My money reappears in my account three days later.
Eve says I can stay with her as long as I like, but I move into a hotel until I can buy a more permanent home, because I need to do this by myself. No help from no one. No relying on anyone but me.
Two weeks later, I enroll in college to study business and start attending classes, making friends.
I join a gym, and volunteer at an animal shelter once a week, and help out at a community kitchen every second weekend, determined to give something back to the community. And once a week, Eve, Natalie, and I meet for dinner or cocktails, and Massimo’s name is absolutely, one hundred percent banned from the table.
I’ve heard from him only once since that night at Eve’s when I told him it was over. He rang me the next day and begged me to see him. But I couldn’t. The wound was too raw and I needed space to heal. But it’s been radio silence since then, and that’s fine by me. I don’t want to hear about how I’ve been replaced, or how he’s over me. And I will cut out my own tongue before I ask either of my friends for information about him.
It doesn’t stop me from wondering about him though. Especially at night when I lie alone in my bed, with my head churning and my imagination running away on me. Wondering who he is with. Wondering if it hurts him as much as it hurts me to be apart.
My numbness over losing Massimo is gone, replaced by a physical longing that I doubt will ever go away. It’s a cold ache buried in my chest where my heart used to live. I miss his touch. His kisses. The way he would roll over in bed and secure me in his arms and hold me against his warm chest.
Some nights I go to bed and pray I will forget about him and wake up feeling happy and content because I never met Massimo De Kysa. But the next day, I always wake up to his ghost, and I’m reminded of what has been done and what I have lost, and the agony starts all over again.
I love him.
Painfully so.
But he hurt me more than I thought anyone could, and that is an amazing power for someone to have over you.
In his absence, I’ve created a well-structured routine to get through each day without falling apart.
I visit the gym. Go to school. Stop into my local coffee shop to study. Climb into bed at night and cry myself to sleep.
Rinse and repeat.
Oh, I am strong, and I will survive, and I will buy my own flowers and hold my own hand and all of that super-powerful stuff like the songs suggest. Because the new me is strong and independent, and she knows how valuable her self-worth is.
But I miss him.
I miss us, and everything that was, and everything that could have been.
And that’s the tragedy.
What could’ve been.
When we were together, it felt like we could take on anything and win.
Except him stealing my money and ruining my life.
So I move forward, but life becomes stuck on repeat while Massimo remains silent, and I start to wonder if I really meant anything to him at all.
Then life becomes unstuck on day twenty-nine of my new life while I’m sitting in a coffee shop near campus, reading some study notes from my commerce class. I’m sitting at a table in the corner nook where the light is dim, and I’m far enough away from the other tables that I can’t hear any conversation. It’s a perfect table to study. Little distraction and lots of privacy. Apart from the waitress bringing me my tea, I get left alone.