Total pages in book: 151
Estimated words: 140874 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 704(@200wpm)___ 563(@250wpm)___ 470(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 140874 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 704(@200wpm)___ 563(@250wpm)___ 470(@300wpm)
“Okay.” Ashley’s eyes went wide. “We’ll be talking about that today. Maybe Sophie should go first?”
“I think that’s a wonderful idea,” Neil said, standing. “I’ll show myself out.”
Our sessions were ninety minutes long, with thirty spent in individual counseling, and thirty spent together at the end. Dr. Ashley never divulged what one partner talked about to the other partner, which was as much a relief as it was maddening. It was very easy to imagine that Neil went into his sessions and complained ceaselessly about me, even though logically I knew that was absurd. He’d already admitted that he talked more about himself in his sessions than about me, and I found the same to be true on my side.
As the door closed behind him, I sighed and faced Ashley. “Okay. I didn’t do what we talked about.”
“And you were so ready to!” she said with a little laugh to disguise her frustration. “What went wrong?”
“I chickened out. But I went to plan B.”
“Good!” she encouraged me. Plan B had been to confess to Neil and prepare him for my mother’s expectations before he met her.
But I was supposed to have done that before we left New York, so he’d have a chance to decline the visit. “But not until we were already in Michigan.”
“Okay. Let’s just take the good out of all that bad and focus on that. You did tell him. That’s a big improvement from where you were when you first came in.” Ashley had a way of framing things to seem way more positive than they were. I wondered if that was a normal therapy technique, or just something she used with her most deeply fucked up patients.
“Thanks,” I said, not feeling particularly worthy of the praise.
“I’m assuming you learned something from the experience?”
I had. I’d been dreading admitting it. “Obviously, I learned that it’s far easier to tell the truth immediately, rather than hide it. But I also learned…ugh.”
Ashley didn’t say anything, but waited with an interested expression.
“Maybe I’m not as comfortable with our age difference as I thought I was. And I’m not saying I’m uncomfortable with Neil’s age. I’m just uncomfortable with everyone’s reactions. We’re adults, and we love each other, but I feel like we have to keep having the same conversation every time we meet someone new.” I sighed. “I feel like I have to constantly prove that I love him.”
“Because of his age, or because of his money?” she asked gently.
“Both,” I admitted.
“You just got engaged. I assume that means you love him,” Ashley said with a tilt of her head. “Why?”
“Why? Why do I love him?” Was she supposed to ask me something like that? Was I supposed to answer it?
It didn’t seem to matter, because when I opened my mouth, all I could manage was, “Well…um…I…” before my stomach dropped into my toes and I felt lightheaded with panic. Of course I loved Neil. We’d just been to hell and back together. I was never happier in my life than when I was with him. But why did I love him? Why couldn’t I think of an answer?
“You can’t tell me why you love him,” Ashley began, a slow smile forming on her mouth, “because you’re in love with him. Love isn’t rational, and you are. That’s why you’re having such a difficult time. If you were sitting here and saying that his age was a problem for you because you wished he was younger, I might advise you to reconsider your engagement. But it’s only a problem because other people are making it an issue. Should other people’s opinion of your happiness be detracting from your happiness?”
I was about to argue that my relationship with my mother was very important, and that it did affect my happiness, but it sounded so stupid in my head already that I probably didn’t need to say it out loud. “You’re right. It shouldn’t.”
Seriously, I should have been doing therapy years ago.
After my thirty was up, it was Neil’s turn. I sat in the waiting room, sucking up the free wifi to look at wedding dresses on my phone, and tried to think about what I would say to him when we met at the end. The time passed quickly, as it usually did when my mind was roiling through everything I’d just talked about. When Ashley invited me into the office, I sprang up and hurried in.
Neil looked up almost guiltily when I came back. I’d only just sat down when he reached for my hand and covered it with his own against the sofa cushion. “I am so sorry.”
“Way to jump the gun, Neil,” Ashley said wryly.
“Wait, what are you apologizing for?” I looked uncertainly from Neil to Ashley. “Was I supposed to be thinking of something to apologize for?”