Total pages in book: 107
Estimated words: 103281 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 516(@200wpm)___ 413(@250wpm)___ 344(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 103281 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 516(@200wpm)___ 413(@250wpm)___ 344(@300wpm)
“Wait until you see what I got.” I pulled out the container. “I went to your favorite Chinese place.”
“But that’s all the way in Brooklyn.”
“So? It’s worth it.”
Her eyes softened. “I really appreciate everything you’re doing, and I love how much I get to see you, but I understand you have responsibilities, honey. I’m going to get through this, so you don’t need to completely overturn your life.”
“I don’t care about work, Mom. I…I honestly couldn’t care less about it.” Even if everything worked out fine, I wanted to make this as easy as possible on her, to make her smile—and seeing me made her smile.
I carried the bag of takeout to the kitchen.
Dad barely looked at me as I passed.
I opened the bag and pulled out the containers.
Dad emerged behind me and spoke quietly so Mom wouldn’t hear. “Look, I know you’re trying to cheer her up, but she can’t eat shit like this all the time. She needs to eat clean and healthily so her body can do what it needs to do. Knock it off.”
I wanted to say I was used to my dad acting this way, but it was jarring every single time. He was a completely different person. It reminded me of when he was married to Valerie, when he was angry and pissed off all the time. Now that he was afraid of losing my mom, it was like he reverted to who he used to be.
Which was exactly what I had done…
Fuck.
“Did you hear me?” he said quietly.
I turned to him and cleared my throat. “Yeah, got it.”
There was no hug. There was no kindness. There was…nothing.
Mom and I sat on the couch and played checkers while Dad showered in their bedroom.
I always won all our games, even when I was just ten years old, but she wanted to play with me anyway. But as I got older, I started to let her win. I did that now—and I let her win every time.
She jumped two of my pieces and collected the checkers. “Ha. Gotcha.”
I gave her a slight smile. “Damn, you’re good.”
She smiled, like she knew I was letting her win but was a good sport about it. “How are you, honey?”
“I’m good,” I said automatically. “What about you?”
“I’m happy. I haven’t spent this much time with you since you were little.”
I dropped my gaze immediately and stared at the board, the guilt hitting me like a spray of bullets. My breathing hitched, and I instantly felt sick, my eyes watering slightly.
“Derek, I didn’t mean to make you feel bad.” Her hand moved to my arm. “You have nothing to feel guilty about. Truly. I’m just…really enjoying this time with you.”
“I’m sorry, Mom. I should have been here more.”
“Shh, it’s fine.” She rubbed my arm. “We’ve got many, many years together, so don’t get so choked up about it.”
I nodded and let my eyes dry because breaking down would only make her feel worse.
She turned back to the board. “Your turn.”
I made a random move, putting no thought into it because I was trying to lose on purpose.
“You’re doing a great job with your dad.”
He acted like he hated me, so that was surprising.
“He does his best to act like everything is normal, but I catch him crying in the middle of the night sometimes. He was crying in his sleep just last night.”
“He loves you so much, Mom.”
Her eyes dropped. “I know he does. And I know he’s scared because he deals with this all day every day…and he lost his father to cancer. I tell him every day he’s not going to lose me. But that doesn’t seem to make him feel better.”
“He just… You’re everything to him. He doesn’t know who he is without you. He’s…acting the way he used to when I was little.”
She stared at me, silently asking for more of an explanation.
“When he was married to Valerie. Just really harsh and mean and…cold. He’s acting the way he did before he met you because he doesn’t know what else to do. I don’t take it personally because I understand he’s stressed, but…I miss him. I realize how much I took him for granted. And if…if…if we lose you…I’ll lose him too.” I took a deep breath to stifle the sob before it came out.
She grabbed my forearm and gave it a squeeze. “Honey, look at me.”
I kept my eyes down.
“Honey.”
I lifted my chin and looked at her.
“You’re not going to lose me. And you aren’t going to lose him either. Many decades from now, he’ll go first…because that’s just how it is with men, and then I’ll go. But that time is not now. I promise you.”
“How can you make a promise like that?”
“Because it’s not my time. This is a bump in the road. Nothing more.”