Total pages in book: 94
Estimated words: 90290 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 451(@200wpm)___ 361(@250wpm)___ 301(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 90290 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 451(@200wpm)___ 361(@250wpm)___ 301(@300wpm)
“You’re such an ass.”
“I know.” I kiss her. “But I’m your ass and you can’t ever get rid of me.”
“I can’t even if I tried.”
“Rude. Your words wound me.”
She leans into me. “I need it to be tomorrow already.”
“I know. Me too.”
The call finally comes in around noon with the news that we have two fertilized eggs. Just enough for a transfer of two or we can try with one. This wasn’t the news Peyton wanted. Honestly, I’m not sure how I feel. The nurse told her the next few days would determine whether we come in on day five. The embryo needed to be blastocysts and if not, they’d have one extra day before all of this was for naught.
I stop paying attention to the call when Peyton breaks down in tears. She leaves her phone on the counter.
“Hey, sorry,” I say toward the speaker. “We’ll wait to hear from you in a couple of days.” I hang up figuring if it’s important they’ll call back. “Peyton.” I call her name throughout the house, and finally find her locked in our bathroom. “Babe.”
“Go away.”
“C’mon, that’s not fair, Peyton.”
“Life’s not fair, Noah.”
“You’re right. It’s not. And you’ve been dealt a shitty hand. We’re trying to make the best of it. We’re doing our best. Shutting me out isn’t going to help.”
“You don’t get it.”
“To some extent, I do, Peyton. Wanting a child is natural. It’s the natural progression in our relationship. Hell, I want you to carry my baby and it kills me inside that I haven’t been able to do the one thing you need me to do.” My throat tightens. I swallow the sob threatening to escape. I press my back into the door, I slide down and bring my knees up. “I see the tears when you think you’re hiding them. I see the calendar, the highlighted dates, and know when you’re sneaking out of bed to take a test. These things aren’t going unnoticed no matter how hard you try to hide them. Peyton, if I could, I’d go back and change things. I truly would. Not acting on my feelings when you turned eighteen has been my biggest regret. I let perception cloud my judgment and I feared what people would think. What the NFL and our parents would think, and I was wrong.”
My wife says nothing.
I don’t know how long we stay like this, with me sitting against the door and her hiding in the bathroom. When she finally opens the door, I fall backward and let myself hit the floor. Looking up at her, she’s bent forward slightly with her long, dark hair cascading toward me like a waterfall.
“Hey.”
“Hey,” she says.
I extend my hand out for her to take, hoping she thinks she’s helping me up. When she clasps mine, I pull her down to me. Her breath escapes her lungs. I chuckle at the sound she makes when she lands on me.
My arm wraps around her, and I hold her there. She begins to cry, breaking my already splintering heart even more. All I can do is hold her because anything else is out of my control. Right now, all I want to do is make love to my wife, show her how much of a woman she is to me, that she’s perfect with or without a child. But I can’t. Because hopefully in four days, they’ll be able to transfer two embryos, and they can’t take the chance I have a swimmer in there, looking for some fun.
Instead, I hold her and let her cry. I encourage her to let it all out, reminding her that I can take it. I do this while staring at the ceiling and fighting back my own emotions, my own tears. Later, when I’m in the shower or she is, I’ll break down. That’s when I’ll let my emotions take over. She doesn’t need to see me like that, not when she’s dealing with this.
Later, when she’s asleep, I’ll go to her yoga room and sit in front of her Buddha altar. Maybe he has the answers to help us. That’s when it hits me. I may have the answer.
“Come with me,” I say as I tap her shoulder. We get up and I take her hand, pulling her to our bedroom. “Sit on the bed,” I tell her as I go to my dresser. Inside, I go through my socks until I find the silk pouch I’d been given in Portland from Madame Kiesha.
Inside the bag is the bracelet she gave me. She said this would help Peyton. I don’t know why I didn’t give it to her before.
“Here,” I say as I slip it on her wrist. “I don’t know if I believe this or not, but Julius had taken me to this guru once. He needed something from her, and she knew right away we were trying to have a baby. She sensed things and then gave this to me. She said you’re supposed to wear this until after the babies come.”