Total pages in book: 116
Estimated words: 108905 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 545(@200wpm)___ 436(@250wpm)___ 363(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 108905 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 545(@200wpm)___ 436(@250wpm)___ 363(@300wpm)
So, I didn’t say anything and waited for him to go on.
He leaned his elbows on his knees and slouched forward, rubbing his face with his hands. They muffled his voice. “Oh, I don’t even know where I would start.”
“How about we start with the coke and the pills and the booze hidden all over the house,” I suggested. “That’s an easy apology. I had to call Valerie for help ferreting all that stuff out.”
He dropped his hands. “Valerie?”
“She’s the only one who really knows your history with this kind of thing. It was easier than trying to explain it fresh to someone else.” I shrugged. “We had to tear the house apart. How long have you been stockpiling all that stuff?”
He couldn’t or wouldn’t look me in the eye. “The alcohol is new. The pills…some of those are new. The cocaine…I’ve been doing that since my mother died. Not daily. Only now and then.”
Over a year ago? My heart plummeted. “But you did so much work with the addiction thing. You were making progress and everything.”
“Not as much as you and Doctor Harris believed, I’m afraid.” Neil sounded embarrassed, and I guess I would have been, too, if he’d caught me in a lie.
“Why didn’t you tell me? Or him? Or anyone? We could have helped you,” I reminded him.
“Because everyone kept telling me how proud they were of me, how well I was doing… I felt as though I would be letting all of you down.” He shook his head. “I’m not suggesting that makes it all right. I know it doesn’t.”
I tentatively reached over and put my hand on his back. It was so difficult to know what kind of contact he would welcome or reject, having been apart for so long. “That’s a lot of pressure. I get that. And I’m sorry if I contributed to it. I was just so excited to see you turning things around. I guess I turned a blind eye a little bit.”
“You didn’t turn a blind eye. I blinded you.” He sighed. “I have done my level best to keep secrets from you, to hide things. And it isn’t because I don’t want you to share my life with me. Please don’t ever think that. Even now, after all this time apart, you’re the person in my life to whom I’m closest.”
“Well, to be honest, Neil…” I felt bad for even saying it, but it had to be said. “I’m not sure how you can feel that way. If you were lying to me all the time, how could you have felt close to me?”
“Because I was only lying about the…addiction.” The word sounded hard for him to say. “I am deeply ashamed of myself. For so many things.”
“How much of you, the you that you were showing me, was really you?” I asked. “Give me a percentage.”
“Oh, Sophie…” His face crumpled, his eyes filling with tears.
I leaned my head on his shoulder. “If you said five percent, I would still be here with you. Because I would still love that five percent enough to stay.”
He put his arms around me, and I held him, too.
* * * *
My first few days in Reykjavik were eye opening. It was far different living in the country than it had been just visiting it. With the baby at home, Neil and I couldn’t go out to run simple errands as a pair without a lot of hassle. My total non-grasp of the language was reason enough for me to stay home with Olivia while Neil did all the running around, but staying inside constantly would drive me up a wall. I was not a creature who could tolerate isolation, especially after experiencing it for so long. There were many opportunities to humiliate myself in public, even when I was speaking English to people. I felt like I had “stupid American” emblazoned across my forehead.
Though I questioned my abilities at human interaction outside of the house, I was pretty proud of my tiny human skills in the home, and learned even more with Neil there to guide me. I’d gotten my on-the-job-training while he’d been in the hospital, but I was more at ease, and that seemed to put Olivia at ease, which made a huge difference. Now that she trusted me to fulfill her needs competently, she was a much more pleasant baby to be around.
Sometimes.
“I think she’s finally down for the night,” I said, dropping the baby monitor on the counter.
Neil leaned on the sink, his head drooping on his shoulders. “Oh, thank god.”
The day had been particularly rough. Olivia’s stupid, indecisive molars had been refusing to erupt all week. She was exhausted, we were exhausted, and the seven consecutive seconds of quiet we’d had since I’d entered the kitchen were like seven thousand years in paradise.