Total pages in book: 116
Estimated words: 108905 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 545(@200wpm)___ 436(@250wpm)___ 363(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 108905 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 545(@200wpm)___ 436(@250wpm)___ 363(@300wpm)
In the kitchen, we went through our evening ritual of feeding Olivia, putting her to sleep, trying to get something to eat for ourselves, and finally falling into bed, exhausted. All the while, I tried think of a way to broach the subject of the text with Neil.
“My back hurts a little more every day,” he complained as he kicked off his boxers and climbed under the covers. I pulled a soft cotton tank top over my head and put a folded-up pair of yoga pants on the nightstand. I didn’t sleep naked, anymore. It was too much of a hassle to get up and get dressed to go check on Olivia, and I liked to take turns so Neil got enough rest, too. That, and it was just a special kind of torture to snuggle up naked with your husband when your sex drive was fine and his wasn’t. I understood exactly why that was and could accept it, but that didn’t mean I didn’t take precautions to guard my own feelings.
“Hey,” I began tentatively, slipping in beside him. “I got a text tonight.”
“Oh? Anything interesting?” he asked through a yawn.
“It was Gena, actually.” I felt like her name hung in the air a long time, but I may have just been projecting awkwardness onto the moment.
“We haven’t heard from her since the divorce,” he said with a frown. “I thought perhaps she lost us in the custody agreement.”
I snorted. “Yeah, no, I don’t think that was it. Maybe she felt uncomfortable because you and Ian are friends. She actually got in touch to express her condolences and say if there’s—”
“Anything she can do, let her know,” Neil finished with me in unison. It was one of the top five things people had been saying to us, over and over. We’d made expressions of sympathy into a grim little game to amuse ourselves.
“Right. That, exactly.”
“That is thoughtful of her,” he said, going quiet.
Even though I felt like a total selfish asshole for mentioning it, I said, “She wanted to get together for lunch. Just to catch up.”
He let out a long breath. “Oh, Sophie. I’m not sure if I’m ready to socialize. It’s one thing for Rudy to come over—”
“No, no, I totally understand. When Rudy comes over, it’s not really socializing. It’s more like having a visit from family.” I needed a lot of that, myself. Mom didn’t want to intrude while we were still adjusting, but I made plenty of late night trips out to the guesthouse to cry on her shoulder. “But I was just thinking, you know. Maybe one day, when I’m in the city, I might do the lunch thing.”
“Oh,” Neil said, his eyebrows lifting, as though it had never occurred to him that I would go on my own.
“Unless it makes you uncomfortable,” I hurried to add. “I know that, with our history, it might seem like something could happen, but really, I think she just wants to meet up and have a chat to reconnect.”
“Have I ever given you the impression that I don’t trust you?” He reached behind his head to fluff his pillows. Okay, I was definitely hard up for sex if even his armpit hair was turning me on.
“No, but I just thought you might have thought…” Oh, just say it. You’re on the way there, anyhow. “Because we haven’t had sex in a long time.”
He went very still. It was something I thought of as his frightened-lizard-freeze. He did it when he didn’t want to have a conversation but couldn’t think of a way to get out of it. “Sophie… My daughter just died.”
That was exactly the direction I hadn’t wanted to take. I didn’t want to shame him. I just needed some acknowledgement of what wasn’t happening between us. “I’m not pointing that out to guilt you or anything. I just worried that you had noticed, and that you would think I was angling to have sex with someone else. And I’m not. I just really need to see some grown up friends.”
He relaxed a little at that. “Ah. Well, I had noticed. I just didn’t know how to explain to you…”
“You just don’t have any sex drive, right now?” Did that sound bitter? God, I was horrible. “We’re going through some major stuff. You, especially. But it was such a big part of our relationship that I kind of got worried about you. You don’t even do little double entendres, anymore. A perfect opportunity for a ‘that’s what she said’ came up the other night when Rudy was here, and you didn’t take it.”
“Please don’t think that I don’t care about your needs. I do. You’re my submissive. I know what you need from me, and that I’m responsible for meeting those needs. But, at the moment…I’m sorry, but I simply can’t.” He sounded frustrated and defeated.