Total pages in book: 116
Estimated words: 108905 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 545(@200wpm)___ 436(@250wpm)___ 363(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 108905 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 545(@200wpm)___ 436(@250wpm)___ 363(@300wpm)
Valerie lifted her head, tears coursing down her cheeks. She seemed to pull herself together a little, then her bottom lip trembled, and she wept, “Our baby.”
Neil went down on one knee to put his arm around her. “I know, Vee. I know.” He was surprisingly calm as he comforted her, and I realized that no matter how close Laurence was to Valerie, Neil was the only person in the room who could possibly guess at how fragile she could be. Though their romantic relationship had ended close to Emma’s birth, they’d raised their daughter together, and that bound them in their grief.
When we left, I was surprised again at how totally together Neil was. He shook Laurence’s hand, told him to take care of Valerie. He didn’t cry, or go to Emma’s side again. He was the definition of stoicism, somehow operating through his pain.
Until we got downstairs and through the emergency room doors. Then, he doubled over and vomited in the bushes.
A security guard came out the automatic sliding doors. “Do you need some help?”
“No, he’s…” What? Not fine. Literally sick from grief? “He’s fine. He’s really upset, but he’s not… He’s fine.”
The guard didn’t look like he believed me, and when he went back inside, still eyeing us, I reached for Neil’s arm. “Hey, we have to get out of here. That guy thinks you’re drunk or something, and I don’t think we should add a trip to the police station to our night, okay?”
Neil straightened. His face was pale and sweaty. “Under the circumstances, perhaps you should drive,” he said, reaching into his pocket for the key fob.
Yeah, I would just drive a ridiculously expensive supercar, then. I supposed we had a better chance of surviving the trip if the person driving wasn’t catatonic with grief.
God, I wish I hadn’t thought that.
The roads were still super slick, so I took it very, very easy. I hated driving in New York so much that I’d only done it twice before. It didn’t matter that it was the middle of the night. There was still traffic. Neil didn’t talk on the ride, except to tell me I’d left the turn indicator on, at one point. At least it was a short drive.
He was silent in the elevator, too. When it dinged at our floor, it startled me.
I had to say something. The silence was going to drive me even crazier than I already felt.
“Do you want me to get you anything?” I asked him as we stepped into the foyer.
“Hmm?” He looked like he’d just realized I was still there. “Oh, no. Thank you. I need to make some calls.”
“I called your sister,” I told him. “And your brothers. I didn’t want them to accidentally hear about it from someone else, first.”
“Oh.” He sounded disappointed.
“I didn’t mean to step on your toes. I just thought…since everyone would be waking up soon…”
“No, of course. That was…” He trailed off.
I waited to see if he would say anything else. I heard the clock on the mantle in the library softly chime the hour. It was three.
“Why don’t we get some sleep?” I asked, putting my hand on his arm. “There’s going to be a lot to do tomorrow.”
“Yes, you’re right. Of course. You’re right.” He nodded, but he didn’t move.
I’ve been afraid before. When I found out Neil had cancer. When he’d been in isolation after his transplant. But none of that had been as scary as the moment we were in, now, and I didn’t know how to deal with anything.
He shook himself out of the trance he’d lapsed into. “Go to bed. I just need time to myself.”
“Are you sure?” I already felt myself backing away from him. It was like his grief was some kind of repellent. I couldn’t get any closer to him, though I ached to help him.
He nodded.
What was I supposed to say? “No, I don’t want to leave because I feel like I shouldn’t?” I had to respect his needs, right? Even if it made me feel hollow and gross and like I was doing the exact wrong thing?
“Yeah. If you need me…” I didn’t finish. I turned and walked to the bedroom.
I wasn’t even tired.
Just being near Neil made me feel like I was intruding, having the closed door between us made me feel like I’d accomplished stepping back. But what was I going to do, when I was this keyed up? Stand in the middle of the room, paralyzed by disbelief all night?
I should have been tired, right?
His scream startled me, raised hairs on my arms and on the back of my neck. It was a sound born of unimaginable pain. The pressure of it had to have been overwhelming, and now that it had burst, it poured out on loud, raw bleats of agony. I clenched my hands together into one fist and pressed it hard against my stomach and the sinking dread I’d become too familiar with in the face of Neil’s emotional pain.