Total pages in book: 47
Estimated words: 46858 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 234(@200wpm)___ 187(@250wpm)___ 156(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 46858 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 234(@200wpm)___ 187(@250wpm)___ 156(@300wpm)
I delete it all quickly, feeling like a jackass for even writing it out, to begin with. But I can’t stop imagining his strong arms wrapped around me.
“I’ll always keep you safe,” this phantom Elias whispers in my ear.
I haven’t even heard his voice. I’ve got no reason to fantasize about any of this.
But it doesn’t make it stop.
Maybe later today? I write quickly. I’ve got a couple of problems we could work through. But we don’t have to.
Do you want to, Della? he responds just as fast. You don’t need to be shy with me.
I squeeze my legs together, thinking of him saying the same thing as he glides his hand up my thigh, his eyes locked on me the whole time.
He’ll push my legs open and slide up and down my sex, whispering urgently that I never have to be shy, afraid.
I’m safe with him…safe to give into my desires, and he’ll be there after, holding me.
I guess some students are shy about math, I send, knowing that’s what he meant.
But I need to confirm it. Or I’ll become obsessed – or even more so – tricking myself into believing he was talking about so much more.
Yeah, he replies. What time do you want to swing by?
I slump in my seat.
It’s better that we keep this about the topic at hand, but I can’t help but wish, at least a little, and way more than that, if I’m being honest. I wish he’d told me I don’t have to be shy with anything.
I don’t have to doubt this connection we’re forming.
But it’s in my head.
I wonder if I should tell him I want to cancel. I’ll say I can’t meet today, after all. And then I’ll handle the math stuff on my own so I don’t keep thinking, dreaming about all the things which will never happen.
What time works for you? I text instead, something else guiding me.
Lust, need, affection, hope…all of it, clashing, surging.
How about three? I think that’s when Mary’s class ends.
An absurd flutter of jealousy makes my chest feel light.
Mary is married. She talks about her husband often, but the thought of Elias and her being intimate is suddenly thrust into my mind.
I can’t say Elias put it there, because he’d call me insane if I ever shared these feelings.
Yes. I’ll see you then. Thanks, Elias.
I stuff my phone in my bag, staring out the window again, my heartbeat pounding hard and making my belly tight.
A second later, I grab my phone on impulse, needing to check if he’s texted back.
He has.
You don’t have to thank me. I’m here for you.
He’s here for me. He’s here to help teach me math. His messages are so frustratingly borderline, as though giving me just enough fuel to burn my common sense away.
He’s a tutor, probably texting dozens of students.
And even if he would show interest in a student, would it be me?
Half the college has a crush on him. Sure, everybody in Second Chance has experienced some kind of pain, but that doesn’t change the fact that many of them are beautiful, elegant, stylish…all things I’m not, basically.
You’re embarrassing yourself. Go change.
That was Jess, when we were fourteen and I chose a dress I was super happy with. Super proud of.
And I did it…I changed, crying silently in the bathroom, deep down knowing it was wrong but telling myself she was my best friend.
She wanted the best for me. She’d never intentionally hurt me.
It was lies, all of it.
I breathe slowly, counting the breaths.
Suddenly, my phone’s back in my hand. It’s like I need the comfort from him, my man.
I’m thanking you anyway, LOL. It’s nice to know I don’t have to go through this alone.
He’ll think I’m talking about math. He’ll have no idea that texting with him feels like a relief. It feels like I’ve got somebody backing me up. Even if it shouldn’t, even if the spell would shatter the second I said any of this to him.
You don’t have to go through anything alone, Della, he sends, making my heart skip faster.
And then another text comes through, None of you do. We do our best to offer a wide range of support here at Second Chance.
It’s a great college, I respond, forcing myself to type the words.
I can’t rely on Elias, a man I’ve never met in person, a man who has no clue about my feelings and would find them laughable if he did. I have to find the strength inside, somehow.
Closing my eyes brings him back to me, though.
Now he’s on one knee, staring up at me with a soft smile on his lips, sunlight shimmering in his iron hair.
He opens a ring box, and the sunlight glints there too. He asks the magic question.
I say yes.
I sing it. I scream it.