Total pages in book: 88
Estimated words: 82472 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 412(@200wpm)___ 330(@250wpm)___ 275(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 82472 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 412(@200wpm)___ 330(@250wpm)___ 275(@300wpm)
“My penis only gets up to salute really good, good friends,” I say, letting her go. “Now let’s prove your theory wrong, shall we?”
“All right,” she counters, turning to grab her purse. “So I’ll text you the address tomorrow and I guess I’ll see you there.”
“Wait,” I say while she bounces down the steps to her car, “am I not picking you up?”
“That would be a date.” She turns around again, walking to her car, unlocking the door.
“Wow, you don’t think you can be in a car with me without it turning sexual?” I lean against the doorjamb, smiling. “Interesting.”
“You’re a funny guy, Noah.” Is the last thing she says before she gets into the car and drives off.
I watch her lights till I can’t see them anymore. Closing off all the lights around the house and making sure everything is locked up, I head to bed with a to-do list and a smile on my face.
My morning goes off without a hitch. I’m about to ask someone to get me lunch when Harvey comes in my office.
“I came to see if people were lying,” he says, going over to sit on the couch.
I’m about to answer him when Austin walks in. “Asshole.” He almost yells, looking over at Harvey. “Hey.”
“Why am I an asshole now?” I ask, leaning back in my chair, my hands going to the armrests.
“Oh,” he starts, “you’re an asshole every single day, but now it’s even bigger. He made John and I go on a stake-out for a girl yesterday.”
“Really?” Harvey asks, all intrigued.
“It was during the day. In the sunlight. People called the cops because they thought we were pedophiles.” He shakes his head. “I crawled through piss and shit for him. It took two showers to get the stench off of me. I actually think it was skunk piss,” he finishes while Harvey laughs.
“Oh, please, you wouldn’t be able to sit in the car if it was skunk.”
“The office is buzzing about him also. He came in to work whistling.” Harvey looks from Austin to me. “And he hasn’t made one pass at any of the girls this morning.” He nods his head.
“I’m sure I did,” I say, trying to remember and realize that I haven’t said an inappropriate thing all day. “Let me ask you,” I finally speak up. “If someone would be doing goat yoga, would they wear a jock strap?”
They both stop talking and blink at me. Austin starts first, “Why the fuck would you be going to yoga, let alone goat yoga?”
“Kaleigh said she doesn’t fuck the same guy twice. So, I convinced her that we can be friends,” I say, folding my hands on my stomach.
“You’ve never been friends with a woman in your life,” Austin and Harvey say at the same time.
“That’s not true. I’m friends with Dani and Barbara. Oh, and…” I snap my fingers, trying to come up with more names.
“Number one,” Austin starts, “you’re friends with Dani because John would cut off your dick with a rusted saw if you even looked at her sideways, and that was before they were even married. And Barbara is ninety.”
“Okay, can we not do this cross examination right now? Should I wear a jock or not?”
“So,” Harvey starts, “you bang this girl. Stake her out, then when she tells you that she doesn’t bang the same douchebag twice, you proceed to tell her that you only want to be friends with her, and she buys all this?” he asks with his eyebrows pinching together.
“Oh, God,” I say, sitting up, now running my hand through my hair. “I can totally be friends with a girl.” When they both shake their heads I continue, “I can. So what if she broke my dick? I can do this. How hard can it be?”
“So you are going to do goat yoga? What the fuck is that?” Harvey asks.
“I Googled it this morning. It’s basically yoga and goats just walk around.” I throw my hands up. “Free rein.”
“Definitely wear a cup,” Austin says, finally chiming in.
“That’s what I thought also. Imagine if they come and bite my dick.” I shake my head. “I would die.”
“Yes, you should definitely cover the twig and berries,” Harvey says.
“That’s what I was thinking,” I say, grabbing my crotch. “Keep everything in place and intact.”
Harvey gets up, slapping Austin on the shoulder. “I should go. I need to order my wife jewelry or something to thank her.” Then he looks at me. “For everything.”
I laugh at him as he walks out. “You know that she is going to see through your bullshit, right?” Austin says. “You wouldn’t know platonic if it hit you in the nuts and then kneed you in your face.”
I tilt my head. “Dude, you have anger issues I think you should fuck out of your system.” I get up. “Besides, maybe I don’t want to fuck her either.” I smile big. “I need to work on my game face.”