Total pages in book: 94
Estimated words: 92140 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 461(@200wpm)___ 369(@250wpm)___ 307(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 92140 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 461(@200wpm)___ 369(@250wpm)___ 307(@300wpm)
Was she still upset with me? Did she miss me? Had she tried to reach out? I checked my phone for the millionth time—nothing.
Frustrated, I put the phone down and went into the kitchen. Maybe I was hungry.
But once I got in there, all I did was open the fridge and stare at the empty shelves. When I closed it, the ultrasound photo caught my eye. I’d stuck it there, as promised, out of guilt. Neither Mason nor Lori had reached out to me since I’d abandoned them on Christmas Eve, and I wondered if I should try calling them. Or maybe send a screenshot of the baby’s picture on display.
Baby.
In just a few more months, they’d have a baby. I imagined what that would be like, sharing something as monumental and transformative as bringing a life into the world. Keeping her safe. Feeding her. Teaching her to talk and walk. I pictured a tiny little thing on two chubby, wobbly legs, her little fists wrapped around my thumbs, taking her first halting steps.
But the child I imagined wasn’t Mason and Lori’s—she was my own, and the steps she took were toward Millie, who waited with arms outstretched. A crack in my heart began to widen as I imagined watching my little girl ride a tricycle or splash around in a puddle or—my throat closed—chase butterflies.
I’d missed all those things with Mason. For the first time, I felt cheated by that, but I knew I’d only cheated myself.
I’d denied myself the chance to be a father to a child, to watch him or her grow, to experience all the joys and sorrows that came with it. And to share it all with someone I loved.
I’d never have the opportunity to experience it again, unless . . .
Unless what?
Unless I had the guts to admit I’d been wrong. To open a door that I’d closed long ago. To undo a decision I’d made out of fear and obstinacy, and give myself a chance at a new life.
My vision swam, and I felt light-headed. When I could see clearly again, I grabbed my keys and ran out the door.
Fifteen minutes later, I found myself knocking on Jackson’s door. One of his daughters answered it with a big smile on her face, which faded the second she saw me. “Oh, it’s you,” she said.
I had to laugh. “Sorry to disappoint.”
“I’m waiting for my ride. Come on in.” Then she yelled over her shoulder, “Dad! Mr. Barrett is here!”
I stepped into their foyer, and Jackson came jogging down the stairs. “Hey,” he said. “What’s going on?”
“I’m not sure.”
He reached the landing and studied my expression. “Come on, brother,” he said, throwing an arm around me. “Catherine is gone for the evening. Let’s have some scotch and talk it out.”
We went into the kitchen, and I took a seat at the island. After opening the bottle of scotch I’d gotten him for Christmas, he poured us each a couple fingers and set a glass in front of me. “Speak.”
I turned the glass on the stone counter without even taking a sip. “I think I made a mistake.”
“Zach, you didn’t. Sophie and Eden are fine.”
“That’s not what I mean.” I took a deep breath. “With Millie. I think ending things was a mistake.”
“Okay.” He leaned back against the counter across from me and took a sip of scotch.
“But when I think about what it would take to turn it around, I feel like I might pass out. It’s . . . so much.”
“Okay, let’s go piece by piece. How much of your decision to end things was about Mason?”
“Some.” I paused. “But I think I could talk to him. Get him to understand. I never felt right about keeping the truth from him anyway.”
“Okay, and how much was about what people would say, or small town gossip?”
I shrugged. “I don’t really care what people say, but I worry about Millie. If she could get past it, I could. People would probably find something else to talk about pretty fast.”
“I agree. So now the family issue. Would you consider surgery to reverse the vasectomy if it came to that? Or are you at least willing to have that conversation?”
I took a deep breath. “I would have that conversation.”
“Good. So now we go deep.” Taking a step toward me, he leaned against the island with both hands. “How much of this is about unpacking your baggage?”
I opened my mouth to argue once again that this wasn’t about the past, but as soon as I met his eyes, I closed it. Jackson knew me too well. “How do you get over it?” I asked him, because he’d suffered loss too.
“You don’t. You accept it and move on with your life. And you haven’t done that, Zach. Don’t even bring up that bullshit marriage to Kimberly—I know what that was. That was you trying to go through the motions without actually feeling the feelings.”