Total pages in book: 86
Estimated words: 81597 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 408(@200wpm)___ 326(@250wpm)___ 272(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 81597 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 408(@200wpm)___ 326(@250wpm)___ 272(@300wpm)
“I’ve completely fucked up my career,” I murmured, finding the courage to look Mason in the eyes as I began to speak about the thing I was most ashamed of. “My leg. I cut my leg. I can’t ever film or model again.”
“That’s not true. We can find a way to explain them.”
“How?”
“I don’t know. An accident maybe? Animal attack?”
“Animal attack? That sounds like something Matt would suggest,” I joked, rolling my eyes.
“You could just tell the truth,” he suggested. The idea alone made me shudder. “You’re not alone, Ry. A lot of people are out there suffering with mental health disorders and they think they’re completely alone. Just like you did, remember? If you can find the courage to be open, you might help someone else too. Give them hope.”
“I’m nowhere near ready for that,” I answered, my voice flustered.
“Hell, I wouldn’t expect you to be after what you’ve been through. I don’t think you’ll be ready for a while, until you’ve had some therapy and come to terms with everything that’s happened to you in your life. But…we could talk to Ivan. We-”
“Ah, I don’t know about that,” I interrupted.
“He’s family, Ryder. He loves you. If you, or we if you want me there, explain everything to him, maybe you could work behind the camera until you feel like you’re ready to get back out there again.”
“I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready for that. Maybe ready is the wrong word. I don’t even know if I want that anymore.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying…I had a lot of spare time on my hands while I was in prison. I did a lot of thinking, a lot of contemplating. I got into porn for all the wrong reasons. I’ve had one hell of a fucking ride, and I still love and respect the industry and all, well most, of the people in it, but I’m just not sure I want to keep going with it. Not so long ago it was the main focus of my life. I lived for it, for the attention. I needed it. But now…I just don’t need it anymore. All I need is you.”
“That’s a big decision. One I think you should think about for a while.”
“I will, but I’m pretty sure I already know my answer.”
“What would you do instead? Go back to working for Elle?”
“It’s an option, but honestly I think you might be right in talking to Ivan about behind the scenes stuff. I love it there. It feels like home to me.”
“You know I need to keep working though, right?” Mason pressed carefully, nervously. “Until I’ve finished paying for my college degree. I know Ivan and Sawyer are covering some of it but there’re still expenses I need to pay for. ”
“Of course I do, and you should know I’m okay with that.”
“I am planning to only do minimal scenes. You know it was never my first choice from the beginning and that’s nothing to do with how I feel about you. Photography is my passion, always has been, and I’m hoping that will start taking over more and more.”
“And that’s great,” I said. “And you know I have one hundred percent faith in you. Your job right now is a means to an end and I’m not going to ask you to give it up for me. I am a porn model, remember? I know the difference between using your body parts in front of the camera and using your heart at home. I know that they don’t get to curl up with you on the sofa watching shitty TV, or sleep with their head on your chest. I know that they don’t know your secrets, or that you twitch your nose like a rabbit when you sleep.”
“I do not do that!”
“Um, yeah you do. What I’m saying, Mason, is that you don’t love them, and they don’t love you. It’s a job. A job I’ve worked long enough to know how it feels. Trust me, I don’t have a problem with it.”
“We’re really doing this aren’t we? Building a future together.”