Surrender (First & Forever #11) Read Online Alexa Land

Categories Genre: M-M Romance Tags Authors: Series: First & Forever Series by Alexa Land
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Total pages in book: 66
Estimated words: 61591 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 308(@200wpm)___ 246(@250wpm)___ 205(@300wpm)
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“Is there a question in there somewhere?”

Ever shrugged. “I guess I’m just trying to figure out how you ended up here.”

“It’s a long story.”

“I have time.”

I plucked the wreath off his head and handed it to him. “No, you don’t. We need to get these decorations done if we want to surprise the residents.”

“I can talk and decorate at the same time.” To illustrate his point, Ever tossed the wreath like a Frisbee, and it landed crookedly on a lampshade. “Come on. Indulge my curiosity.”

“Fine.” As I went to retrieve the wreath, I said, “When I first came to San Francisco, I didn’t know anyone but Sawyer.”

“Did you come here for him?”

I nodded. “This was a few years after Afghanistan. We’d lost touch, but then we bumped into each other by chance. I took it as a sign and came to San Francisco hoping we could start fresh, but I was too late. He’d already met Alastair.”

“But you decided to stay.”

“I had nowhere else to go.”

Ever looked sympathetic. “So, then what happened?”

“After he shot me down, he saw how lost I was and tried to help me. He introduced me to some of his friends, and they brought me into their social circle. He also suggested volunteering here at the shelter. He thought it would be good for me, and he was right.”

“He sounds like a nice guy.”

“He is.”

“I’m still surprised you stuck around,” Ever said. “Wasn’t it hard to see him with his new man?”

“Yeah, it was. It’s part of the reason I left for a while. That’s when I moved to Catalina Island with my friend Gabriel, who I met through Sawyer. We both ended up coming back here eventually, but by then, a lot had changed.”

I leaned against the edge of a table and continued, “Most importantly, I’d finally gotten over Sawyer. And then several things ended up falling into place, which convinced me this was where I belonged. I met Roger through a mutual friend, and he rented me an affordable room in that great apartment. When I came back to the shelter to see if they needed volunteers, they hired me as a program assistant. Also, I started taking classes at the community college and began working toward the goal of becoming a counselor.”

After a pause, Ever asked, “Are you really, truly over him?”

“Yes. Absolutely.”

“Then why did it stir up a strong reaction when you saw him?”

It usually didn’t affect me that much—not anymore. But this time he’d appeared out of the blue, just as Ever and I were having a moment. My guard had been down, and the last thing I’d expected was for my past and present to suddenly collide. It threw me off, so no wonder Ever had picked up on it.

“What I feel when I see him is guilt and shame,” I admitted. “It’s hard for me to be around him, because I treated him like shit when we were together. I’ve apologized and he’s forgiven me because he’s a saint, but I can never forgive myself.”

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t deserve forgiveness.”

“Sure you do. Everyone deserves forgiveness.”

I muttered, “No, not everyone,” and turned my attention to the boxes of donations. As I held up a green and yellow thing shaped like a question mark, I asked, “What the hell is this, and where should we put it?”

“It’s a gourd, and please don’t change the subject.”

“It’s hard to talk about this.” I shut my eyes, as if that would block the memories that were threatening to come flooding back. After a moment, I said softly, “I was a mess, lost and confused and full of self-loathing, and then I was dropped into the middle of a war. It was too much for me. The only thing I could do was shut off all my emotions, or I would have totally broken down.”

“That’s nothing to be ashamed of. You were in survival mode, and that was the only way you could get through it.”

“But I made a mistake. I never should have gotten involved with Sawyer, because I was an empty shell with nothing to give him. I didn’t know how to love or be loved. Hell, I didn’t even know how to accept the fact that I was gay back then. I tried to convince him, and myself, that what we had was only about sex, nothing more. But he fell in love with me, and I pushed him away. By the time I was strong enough to tell him I loved him too, it was way too late. He’d met Alastair and moved on.”

“You must resent his husband.”

I shook my head. “Just the opposite. I’m grateful he came along when he did, because he’s exactly what Sawyer deserves—a good man who adores him, freely and openly. I couldn’t give him that. I was too broken.”


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