Total pages in book: 123
Estimated words: 117506 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 588(@200wpm)___ 470(@250wpm)___ 392(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 117506 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 588(@200wpm)___ 470(@250wpm)___ 392(@300wpm)
I hated that my voice cracked, and I could hear the lie in my words. I prayed he didn’t hear it, as well.
He stood there and stared at me as if I had suddenly grown two heads. I had given him his out, and now I waited for him to take it. His throat bobbed as he swallowed; still he didn’t utter a word.
“I’ll be fine,” I stated once more as I stared off into space.
“I’m not leaving. I already told you, I’m not heading back out on the road, and I’ll be damned if I walk away from my own child.”
I tried not to react to his words when I realized he hadn’t said anything about being there for me. Just his child. It was fine. I didn’t need a husband, but I most certainly wanted my child’s father to want her. Or him.
I gave a shaky nod. “Then we’ll work out some sort of arrangement.”
“Arrangement?” he repeated.
My mouth felt so dry as I opened it once or twice and fought to get the words out. “Yes. Custody for both of us. I’m sure we’ll work something out. You’ll always be free to see the baby. I won’t keep that from you. Ever.”
He nodded. “That sounds fair enough.”
The tears came once more. He truly didn’t want a relationship with me, and the reality of that hit me so hard, I reached out for something to hold on to. He didn’t want me. Oh God, he really didn’t want me.
A sob slipped free, and I turned away, covering my mouth with my hand and inwardly cursing at myself for letting my stupid emotions show.
“Merit.”
I held up my hand and took in a few deep breaths before laughing. I kept my back to him as I spoke. “It’s my own stupidity to even want anything.”
“Want what?” he asked.
I spun around and stared at him. “You,” I managed to say as my entire body shook. “It doesn’t matter anymore. It was a stupid dream.” I laughed again, but it sounded so strange to my ears. “One I know now will never be.”
His brows pulled in tightly, yet he didn’t say a word.
I cleared my throat and turned to walk out the door. I stopped and said, “When you sober up, we can talk more, figure things out. Right now, I’m tired. I’m just really tired.”
I hated the defeated tone in my voice, but it was true. All I wanted to do was lie down and sleep for about a week.
As I made my way out of the barn, I didn’t even bother to wipe away the endless flow of tears.
There was something about barns and Dirk. They both added up to a broken heart.
A knock on my front door woke me as I slowly sat up and looked around my bedroom. It was dark, and I had a hard time seeing anything. The sadness I felt every time I woke up lately hit me once again, and I fought the urge to lie down and go back to sleep. It seemed to be the only time I didn’t feel an overwhelming sense of heaviness on my chest. Sleep was my reprieve from reality—except for the few times I had gotten up to be sick in the night.
Another knock. No, it was more of a bang this time. The doorbell started next. Over and over it rang out, with banging in between. I dragged myself out of bed and walked down the hallway. I felt for the hall lights and flipped them on as I called out, “I’m coming! My God, hold on!”
The endless pounding on the door stopped, along with the doorbell.
What in the world was the time anyway? I peeked out through the peephole but it was too dark, so I turned the porch light on. I looked out again and jumped back when I saw it was Dirk.
Glancing down at myself, I cringed. I was dressed in the yoga pants and t-shirt I had put on a few hours ago after I’d left the barn and my conversation with Dirk behind. I had come home, changed, and gone straight to bed. The exhaustion from the emotional rollercoaster I’d been on was too much to bear.
“Goddamnit, Merit! Open the fucking door before I kick it in.”
I felt my eyes widen, and for a moment I thought about not letting him in. Then I thought better, knowing he’d do as he promised. I reached over and unlocked the door and then opened it.
The moment he saw me, his pinched face relaxed. He did a quick sweep of my body, then walked into the house, shut the door behind him, and looked me over carefully again as if to make sure I was okay. Once he saw that I was, his entire body relaxed. Then the angry look reappeared. “What the fuck? I’ve been calling you. I was about to bust your door in.”