Total pages in book: 128
Estimated words: 119011 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 595(@200wpm)___ 476(@250wpm)___ 397(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 119011 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 595(@200wpm)___ 476(@250wpm)___ 397(@300wpm)
“When he was having sex with me, I kept thinking that he probably liked me more than his girlfriend and that he just can’t help himself. And the necessity to keep it all under wraps… it was exciting. It gave me a rush.” Zolt shrugged, relaxing as the warm water and gentle touch eased the knots in his muscles, washing away blood, sweat, and the humiliation of defeat. “I wanted more of the same, so I sought out guys like him, but I also never trusted them again. I knew they only wanted to jump on the opportunity, so I chose to use them in return. It was safe that way.”
Leo’s eyes were full of understanding, as if he really wanted to listen to what Zolt had to say, but there was no hiding that his shoulders sagged. “So you knew you’d never feel anything for me?”
“I thought I did, but look at me now,” Zolt whispered, cupping Leo’s face and pulling him in, until their chests touched. There was so much tenderness in his heart he didn’t even know how he’d managed to crush Leo’s feelings earlier. He couldn’t have possibly made himself to do it now.
“Then tell me. What do you feel for me?” Leo kissed Zolt’s swollen lips and stroked his lower back.
Zolt swallowed, trapped like a spider in a glass, yet willing to stay in his prison if it made Leo smile. “I want to see you happy. And I want you to still be my big spoon. And I want to keep buying you those chocolate-covered marshmallows, even though they’re an abomination.”
Leo’s lips stretched into a grin. “There. That wasn’t so hard, was it?”
Zolt exhaled, fighting the tremors flashing through his body. “I’m so fucking sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking… I should have never made those notes about you, or anyone, because I wouldn’t have wanted to have entries about me in that diary either. I hated this guy who broke my heart, and look what I’ve done? I’ve been even worse. Treating people who trusted me like fish in the fucking tank. Like entertainment, or an experiment. What the fuck is wrong with me, Leo?” he uttered and smacked the back of his head against the wall. Pain echoed through his skull, but he welcomed its cleansing bite either way.
Leo was still there with him though, still stroking Zolt’s back in a soothing motion. “You can only move on from here. But what worries me is that you keep saying how attracted you are to straight guys. You write about it in the notebook too. Extensively. That’s your drug of choice, so… how is this gonna work? Whatever I am, I’m not straight anymore, that’s for sure. Won’t it be a turn-off for you?”
How was Zolt to answer that question? He’d never been in this situation before, but he did know that if Leo turned on his heel and walked out on him now, he’d be lost like a child.
“I’m not stupid. I know many of them were bisexual to some degree. And it was hot that they wanted me even though they led those… straight lives. But it was different with you from the start.”
“How come?” Leo had a look at Zolt’s bruised side and led him out of the stall.
Zolt stood still, not yet ready to leave the heat of the shower. “Because you’re different. You’re so open, and you just rolled with it. Before I knew what hit me, we were sleeping in the same bed and actually cuddling. You cooked for me, helped me with DIY, and with the fish. You didn’t run off to meet your girlfriend or wife, and you didn’t say any homophobic shit either. You were… so there.”
Leo smiled back and kissed him again, shaking droplets of water off his short dark mane. “And you’re finally admitting that you like that. Things will probably be rocky at first, but you said it right. I am there. I want to keep what we have.”
Zolt swallowed, overcome by conflicting emotions. His chest burned with joy, but the same anticipation of failure that plagued all his relationships was still there, ready to wash over him the moment he stepped too close. He still couldn’t put complete trust in anyone, but if he was to choose the one person worthy of a chance, it was the man standing before him. The one man who refused to give up on him.
Chapter 24 – Zolt
Zolt stared into the mirror. He seemed tired—gray in color under the purple shade of bruising, with dark circles beneath the eyes and a red tint to his whites.
He was content. Apprehensive, unsure about what this next day might bring, but content, and the moisture in his hair was like a new beginning. Even after the shower, he could still sense Leo’s warmth on his back. It was time to face the fact that he really enjoyed being the small spoon, and for the first time since forever, Zolt was excited about letting things take their course.