Total pages in book: 138
Estimated words: 128260 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 641(@200wpm)___ 513(@250wpm)___ 428(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 128260 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 641(@200wpm)___ 513(@250wpm)___ 428(@300wpm)
She was silent for a minute. “You cost me a lot of money that day.”
I took a deep breath. “Yeah, I know. That’s part of the reason why I’m here.” I reached into my pocket and removed my wallet and took the check out of the billfold. “I sold my car. I had them make out a cashier’s check and I signed it over to you. I don’t know if it’s enough to cover all the expenses of the shoot, and I know it’s not enough to cover what you would have made off of the video itself, but I hope it’s a start, and I can make payments for the—”
“First, tell me what happened to spur you running out of that suite half-dressed and looking like you were about to lose your lunch.”
I looked down at the check in my hands and set it on the edge of her desk. The sound that emerged from my throat was pained, but it ended on a sigh. I liked Courtney. She’d always been good to me, always been someone I felt like I could trust in a business full of untrustworthy people. “I met someone, Court,” I said softly.
She studied me, her expression softening. “Ah, I see. You fell in love. Now I get it.”
“No, not exactly. I only spent a weekend with her, but—”
“Carson, you fell in love. I see it in your eyes.”
I shook my head, frowning. “No, really, two and a half days, Courtney. That’s it. Not weeks, days. I’ve just never felt that way about anyone. We… she… it’s just—”
“Carson.” She let out a soft laugh, but it wasn’t unkind. “Love doesn’t always make sense. And that’s the great beauty of it, the great mystery—the thing cynics who scoff at so-called ‘insta-love’ would bottle if they could. But you can’t manufacture mystery, honey. Believe me, I know.”
I stared at Courtney, taking in her words, letting them swirl around in my head. I hadn’t expected this reaction at all. “I don’t have anything to offer her,” I told her.
“So change that.”
I nodded, looking down at my hands. I was going to try to become something more, someone better. But I wasn’t going to fool myself into thinking that by the time I achieved that, Grace would be waiting around. She’d inspired me, changed me, but I had to do this for me.
“I think we might have a few things in common,” Courtney said. “Can I tell you a little about my background?”
“Yeah. Of course.”
“My mom was in the business too. I never said anything about it to you because I know I never liked people bringing it up to me when I wasn’t prepared to talk about it. I only know your history because I make it my business to know about the people working for me. Also, my mom’s story ended a little differently than yours did. My mom overdosed on heroine when I was fifteen. She was a runaway who got into the business when she was sixteen. She lied about her age and started making films. I can’t say that I watched her decline because I never really knew her when she was anything other than the shell of a person. She could be fun and even vivacious when she wanted to be, but those times became few and far between as I grew into a teenager. Thankfully, my dad was a decent guy who stepped into my life fully when she died. They had had a three-month affair, and although he could have tried to deny me based on what my mom did for a living, when she told him she was pregnant with me, he never tried to play that card. I think he had truly and honestly wanted to take care of her, but she just wasn’t in a place to let him do that. So after she died, he took me in and he gave me the stability I had never had. He was a good man…He passed away two years ago from lung cancer.”
I couldn’t even utter a word. I was so shocked by Courtney opening up to me like this.
“Anyway,” she went on, “you can probably put two and two together about why I started this website. A lot of undignified, soul-stealing stuff goes on in this business. And this is a business that attracts people who are the least likely to be able to deal with that kind of thing to begin with.” She studied me for a minute. “I started my site because I wanted to inject some heart into a business that’s sorely lacking in that. True, the people in my videos are virtual strangers. But I think that portraying sex as a natural expression of our physical selves, while also showing that it doesn’t have to be degrading to either party, is the best I can hope to accomplish here. If porn is always going to exist, and I believe it will, then I want to be responsible for doing it in a way that respects the fact that none of us is only our body—all of us have a heart and a soul, and they can’t be separated.”