Total pages in book: 129
Estimated words: 129110 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 646(@200wpm)___ 516(@250wpm)___ 430(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 129110 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 646(@200wpm)___ 516(@250wpm)___ 430(@300wpm)
It was out loud.
His face lights up and he chuckles softly, revealing something far more taunting and swoon-inducing than his smile – a smirk.
The panty dropping kind.
“What?! Me? Intimidating? Mark Walberg, John Cena… they’re intimidating, but not me,” and there it is again, that look. At me.
“Can I shake your hand?” I blurt the words out of nowhere, and it’s official – I say the dumbest things ever. I instantly regret everything, all while Asher in his right mind gives me an odd look, but ultimately shoves his hand in mine.
Oh my god, now we’re touching!
His grip is firm, his skin warm yet soft… and gone way too soon.
Ice. Cold. The November air is the only thing touching my extended hand now as a stern-looking lady whisks him away, and I realize it’s over.
It’s over.
My moment has come and vanished far too quickly.
He’s gone.
The crowd starts to thin, but I’m unable to move. Fixed in place the air now whirls and whistles from my fingers and palm, up my arm, and around my entire body, like a storm worse than before. Now that Asher is inside no one cares to be out here. I briefly register Jess jumping up and down next to me. I can’t hear anything, still off in my own world, but I feel her moving my shoulder. Unable to focus on anything other than what just happened, my shallow breaths start ringing loudly in my ears. Then I glance down at my unsigned photo before watching as the last person exits the SUV. A lady lingers, handing out Let’s Go keychains to whoever is left. Jess takes two before pulling me along.
We head to the main entrance of the theater, as I’m caught recapping the way his piercing eyes met mine. A heat travels up and down my body, cradling me, and as we step inside I pause to take a deep breath and snap out of it, whatever it just was.
It’s show time.
1
Five Years Later
April
I wake in a cold sweat from another nightmare. Nothing really bad happens. No one dies. It’s always a different scenario revolving around the same general idea - Travis chooses something else - everything else - over me, a simple task, another girl… all of it is better. I’m less important.
I roll over and catch my breath - 3:30 am.
Now 3:31.
My therapist says this is the time most people like me wake. Anxious, worried, depressed people, but before you think I have some crazy past that causes me to feel this way, I don’t. I’m actually a pretty normal person. We all have things that are a big deal to us, and I know there are others with much bigger problems than mine, but these are mine. I've always had trouble dealing with things, big or small.
I lean against the headboard and push the hair out of my face.
3:32.
I look over at Travis. He’s fast asleep and snoring. Part of me wants to wake him and cry in his arms. It’s his fault I’m still like this. If he didn’t break my trust - if he loved me more, if he showed his love more often then maybe I wouldn’t doubt.
3:33.
Sometimes when I feel this way I think I should wake him so we could talk, but then there’s this other part – this bigger part of me who who would rather live in my far better dream world. Ultimately I know waking him would be worse, as I never know which side I’ll get - the caring person who wants to make things better and fix us, or the selfish asshole who only cares about himself.
Of course I know the answer. I could wake him to talk or for sex and it would all be the same - his sleep is more important than how I’m feeling.
I don’t wake him.
How many times can we have the same conversation? He made a mistake - for the second time, and I need to get over it. It’s me, he says, and I want to accept that but part of me - the smarter part - can’t. Deep down I know it’s not me.
Do I try to justify how I’m being treated, or am I being treated the way I allow myself to be justified? Think about that! I tell myself, and now I am and can’t fall back to sleep.
4:45.
I’m still thinking. I should never be left alone in the dark to think. My mind wanders to places. I used to be so sure of everything, what happened? Do I not even know who I am anymore?
The air is dry and stuffy, like most hotel rooms. I’m on a business trip and invited Travis along for the dumbest of all reasons - I’m scared of what he’ll do with someone else if I’m not around.