Total pages in book: 86
Estimated words: 81040 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 405(@200wpm)___ 324(@250wpm)___ 270(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 81040 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 405(@200wpm)___ 324(@250wpm)___ 270(@300wpm)
Even if he had lived, we would never have had this. A home where laughter and love filled it. We hadn’t looked at each other the way Blaise and Maddy did.
Knowing that I had said yes to him because he loved me made me feel as if Huck’s words had some truth to them. I had just never wanted to admit it. I had lied to Hayes. I let him think I loved him the way a wife should love a husband. I agreed to marry him because I wanted a family. I wanted to belong.
That hadn’t been fair to him.
Guilt wasn’t something new to me, but each time it dug its claws in, it was hard to face.
Eight Months Ago
Most nights that Hayes took me out on a date, it was centered around some church function. But occasionally, there was a weekend that the church didn’t have something planned, and we were free to see a movie, go to dinner, drive to the beach. Tonight, was one of those nights.
We had driven to the beach, had dinner at his favorite seafood restaurant, then walked over the bridge onto the sand. Hayes had brought a blanket with him for us to sit on as we watched the waves crashing against the shoreline as the sun set. I leaned back against his chest, and he wrapped his arms around me.
He was careful to keep from touching my boobs. I had thought it was sweet at first. He was taking it slow. Not wanting me to feel like he just wanted sex. But we had been seeing each other exclusively for four months, and we had only kissed. He never tried anything more.
I hated to admit that my insecurities were starting to raise their ugly head. My body was something I had never been comfortable with. I saw more flaws in it than other people did. That had been clear when the manager at Diamond Heels insisted I get onstage. Men had requested me. Hearing their approval of my naked body should have given me more confidence than it had.
Now, here I was, with my first boyfriend at the age of twenty, and he didn’t seem interested in touching me. I kept telling myself it was because he was going to be a minister. He was waiting until marriage for sex. I got that, but did he have to wait for everything?
I hadn’t wanted to be touched intimately since the day my stepbrother had violated me. It had terrified me when guys looked at me with interest in their eyes all throughout high school and even in college.
Then, Professor Kilgore had taken some sick fascination with me, and when he was caught trying to rape me, he accused me of coming on to him and said he had fallen for my Lolita ways. The university took away my scholarship, and he lost his job. He was now working at a community college in Texas the last I’d checked. His wife hadn’t left him, and she’d believed whatever lies he’d told.
I wanted to wipe those memories away. Hayes could do that for me. I wasn’t scared of his touch or attention. I doubted he’d ever lose himself to any lustful desires. He was so careful and in control. But if we could do more than the small amount of kissing and cuddling we’d done, it would be nice.
Like right now, he could move his hand up just a few inches and touch my breasts. I was ready to see how that felt when it wasn’t being forced upon me. He could move his hand down to the hem of my sundress and pull it up and touch me between my legs. I could see if an orgasm that I didn’t give to myself was better.
Shifting so that his hand was closer to the bottom of my breast, I held my breath, waiting until it would brush against his hand. Before I could get in the right position, Hayes moved his arms down lower on my stomach. Well, crap.
“Are you uncomfortable?” he asked me.
I was thankful it was getting dark and my back was to him. My face was flushed. “No, I’m good,” I told him, then decided to try something else.
Scooting my bottom back until it was pressed against his crotch area, I waited until I felt the hard ridge of an erection, but he shifted back enough so we were no longer touching.
That had been obvious. He didn’t want that kind of connection. Did he find me unattractive? He’d told me I looked beautiful many times, but maybe my body as a whole didn’t do anything for him.
“Hayes?” I asked, keeping my eyes straight ahead.
“Yeah?”
“Are we ever going to do anything more than kiss? Or are you not attracted to me like that?”