Total pages in book: 72
Estimated words: 66074 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 330(@200wpm)___ 264(@250wpm)___ 220(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 66074 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 330(@200wpm)___ 264(@250wpm)___ 220(@300wpm)
“I want you to know I finally heard what you’ve been trying to tell me for years. Like, truly heard and absorbed your words and the unspoken ones between them.”
She tilts her head back to look up at me with confusion in her eyes. “What are you talking about?” she whispers.
I tuck her face into its spot in the crook of my neck and shoulder. The shame I felt earlier is still inside me, and it feels like I can get what I have to say out a little easier if I don’t have to say it to her face. It’s cowardly, sure, but really, I know if I look into her eyes, I’ll only see them fill with misplaced guilt, because my wife is a truly selfless woman who lives and breathes to take care of her family. And I’m making it my job to get her to see she deserves to be the person she is inside and doesn’t need to alter herself to fit alongside anyone else.
“It’s taken me this long to see that you’ve been losing parts of yourself to make everyone else happy. You’ve been cutting off little bits and pieces to make yourself fit inside the spot where you think each one of us needs you. And that stops now.” My voice leaves no room for argument, but I continue to rub along her flesh, and like clockwork, her trembles begin.
“You gave up all parts of your adolescence and young adulthood as you focused solely on working toward your career. It was the one thing you wanted in life, and baby, you did it. But then you gave that up, because your sister needed you. You should feel no regrets about that, and I know you don’t. I’m just saying it happened. You did give up your career, which at that time was the biggest part of you.” My hand stops rubbing up her back long enough to squeeze her in order to emphasize the last word, and then it continues along its circuit.
“When you got here in town, there weren’t any jobs available that would put that brilliant mind of yours to work doing what you loved, but instead of letting it get you down, you took the one position offered to you, even though it was the furthest thing outside your wheelhouse and comfort zone possible. Again, you gave up feeling confident and secure, because it was necessary in order for your sister and you to survive.
“And when you became the mother of my child, and our Luna girl started growing into the strong-willed miniature adult she already is at four years old, you gave up more parts of yourself so that I could be the dad I wanted to be. I wanted to be the hero, the good cop, the one she looks at like I hung the moon and can do no wrong. I wanted a Daddy’s girl, a mini version of my wife, who looks at me with hearts in her eyes too. What I didn’t realize was you can’t give your little one every single thing they want, then expect them to grow up to be a well-rounded adult equipped with the knowledge and strength it takes to survive this world.”
I swallow again, trying to find the right words to say all this so that she won’t feel the need to make me feel better for doing her wrong. Because that’s just who she is as a person and part of the reason I’ve always felt this overwhelming need to protect her at all costs. She’s the type of person who’s an easy target, who stands out like there’s a neon arrow above her head pointing down at her to narcissists and manipulators and people with ulterior motives who prey on innocents like her.
“But you did. You knew all that long before it occurred to me just this evening. Because you have that ridiculously intelligent mind and because you yourself had to do whatever it took to survive. Everything you had to give up, and then everything you went through after you did, that all prepared you to become the parent who is actually doing their job correctly. Even though there’s nothing about you that would earn you the title of ‘bad cop,’ you took on the role anyway, because it’s what our daughter needs in order to take on the world when it comes time for her to. You took on that role, because you saw I didn’t want to. That I wanted to be the fun one, the playful one, the one who makes her nothing but happy and spoils her rotten. You were forced to take on that role, because I refused to. And that’s just not fucking fair.”
I hear her sniffle when I stop the rush of words now pouring out of me, and then I feel the wetness streaming down my chest and abs. But instead of pulling her head back to look into her eyes as she cries, I get out what this was all leading up to, leaving no space for her to try to lighten my load as I shoulder my fuck-up and do what it takes to make it right.