Total pages in book: 62
Estimated words: 57240 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 286(@200wpm)___ 229(@250wpm)___ 191(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 57240 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 286(@200wpm)___ 229(@250wpm)___ 191(@300wpm)
Dee already had our futures mapped out. She got what she wanted out of my one little slip-up, and it hadn’t mattered to her that she wasn’t what I wanted.
She was selfish in that sense, but I can’t say that I blame her. She saw what she wanted and went after it. And then there was the kid to think about. He had no blame in all of this and me being selfish would only screw up his life before he was even born. So I did the only thing I could.
I’ll never forget the look of betrayal on Shelly’s face when I told her, the hurt. I carried around that guilt for quite some time, but the deed was already done. Nothing I could’ve done to change what was and I’d thought of everything.
If I could’ve taken the kid and kept Shelly fuck yeah I would’ve done it. But I knew there was no way Dee would ever go for that and it wouldn’t have been fair to ask.
But when a man saw his life going down the drain he’d think of anyway to save it. Yes I was angry, spent a lot of time nursing that emotion in the beginning. But I had to put it all aside because that little boy needed me.
I even convinced myself that I could live with Dee and not touch her. It was going to be my penance for what I’d done to Shelly. The only woman I ever wanted to share myself with. But that was a crapshoot.
Dee let her feelings on the matter be known from the beginning. Either I took her and our son as a packaged deal, or she’d run off with him somewhere and I’d never see him again.
I was trapped and I knew it. If I wanted to be a part of my kid’s life, then I had to accept Dee as my wife and all that that entailed. Even now I don’t know how I did it, how I brought myself to bed her.
The first few times I’d felt like a Grade-A bastard, felt like I was cheating on Shelly all over again. But that’s best left alone. After a while it got easier but it was never what I wanted and there was no way to soften the blow for Dee. Ergo the guilt I’ve carried ever since she died.
Dee had done some fucked up shit back then too. Anything to hold onto the man she loved, even though she knew I wasn’t in love with her.
She’d tried using my son to keep me on a leash and I’d let it happen until I popped that shit and let her know in no uncertain terms that that shit wasn’t going to fly. I refused to let her use my screw up against Shelly.
Never listened to a bad word against the girl who I’d destroyed with my actions. Though Dee and her mother had done their best to paint my girl in a bad light. Like she was the one who was in the wrong.
Shelly had made it easy on everyone and left town. She couldn’t stand the sight of me with my new family I’m sure. I couldn’t let her know that if there had been anyway to keep my kid and her, I would’ve done it in a heartbeat. I suffered guilt over that one too.
It wasn’t Dee’s fault that she fell in love. Though I was never sure that she hadn’t set the whole thing up. I never asked her how she came to be out in the fields that night. It was a regular hang out spot for us kids back then. But I sometimes wondered.
No amount of wondering and what-ifs was going to change anything so I buckled down and did what I had to. But I never gave my heart to anyone but Shelly. Truth is I never even tried.
Each day away from her was hell. Each milestone I passed without her there by my side was bittersweet because the one person I wanted to be in my corner always, could not be there.
Dee had tried, but I honestly never gave her a chance. I guess in some ways I did make her pay for trapping me, even though I loved my son.
We spent years circling each other. She trying to get me to fall in love, and me growing farther apart from her. The harder she tried the more distant I became. I could never lie to myself and I knew I would go to my grave loving Shelly forever.
There were a lot of tears and recriminations, but there was no hope for it and we both knew it. That didn’t stop her from trying though and it made for some very tense moments in our home.
My son was my only interest, my son and the job. I put everything I had into the two things and made peace with my lot in life. I didn’t miss Shelly every minute of everyday, but whenever I did I forced myself to do something else.