Total pages in book: 94
Estimated words: 88317 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 442(@200wpm)___ 353(@250wpm)___ 294(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 88317 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 442(@200wpm)___ 353(@250wpm)___ 294(@300wpm)
“Maybe.” If I hadn’t talked Arthur out of it with that parting speech. I hadn’t told him not to come, but I’d also made it easy for him to make that decision, hadn’t begged him to be there. And there we were back to incentives. I’d told him he made me happy, but I also hadn’t done very much to ensure his happiness, nor had I translated that feeling into any sort of commitment or permanent emotion. Hell, I’d all but shook his hand and wished him well on my way out the door even though my heart had been breaking.
“For your sake, I hope you get a big welcome.” Weiss stretched lazily. “But, man, lifers like us, I just don’t think civilians get it.”
Lifers like us. Huh. He wasn’t wrong there. I’d always said I’d be in as long as they’d have me. I’d come in with something to prove, eager to make rank, hungry for the structure and recognition. But then I’d spent time with Arthur, discovered what it felt like to be around someone whom I didn’t have to prove a damn thing to. And I still found satisfaction in my job, but hell, I missed that comfortableness with Arthur something fierce too.
“Heard you’ll be up for senior chief next year. Maybe chief of a boat soon, huh?” I kept my voice even for Weiss’s sake, thinking of all the years Calder and I had been driven by rank and advancement, same as him. I’d never wavered from that path, never considered alternatives, even when I’d been with Steve. I had no room for doubt in my life.
Except for lately when doubts were my fucking constant companion and answers few and far between.
“Yup.” Weiss nodded definitively. “My old man made master chief. I’m not doing any less.”
“Good for you,” I said even as that little what if voice in my head said maybe, and more of those doubts I’d always kept out came rushing in.
“Eh. This is all I’m good for, you know? I don’t know anything else.” He shuffled the cards in a crisp rainbow.
“Yeah.” For years, I’d tied my own worth to my rank. What else did I have to offer? I simply didn’t know. “And the navy’s family. I’ve been with a couple of folks since sub school.”
“Yep, exactly. Another round?” He dealt us each a fresh hand.
I picked up my cards, studied them. Funny how with cards there was always a fresh start if you waited long enough, a chance to try again, hope for better luck. Sure, you had to play the hand you were dealt, but you could also wait for the better hand. Strategy.
“Speaking of sub school, they keep trying to get me to accept an assignment to Groton.” Weiss gave a harsh laugh. “But no way. Long as I’m fit, they’re not getting me off a boat.”
He sounded exactly like the senior chief and every other sailor I knew determined to make rank.
“Yeah, you’re a lifer all right.” I played a jack, the impish face reminding me of Arthur trying to get his way about something. God, I was such a fool. I missed him so bad I ached from my teeth down to my toes. And there was nothing to do about it but wait—
Wait.
That was it. My eyes widened as I drew another jack, my luck shifting. Fresh hand indeed. I might actually win one off Weiss, who despite not being the most strategic of players did seem to have the damnedest of luck.
Or maybe his care-not attitude was his strategy, all part of his plan. Maybe he made his own luck.
And maybe I could too.
“Hey,” I said, keeping my voice casual. “You got any talent for getting a message to the surface?”
“Hell, yes.” Weiss puffed up his chest. “Been at this enough years, I know all the tricks. You need something?”
“I just might.” I nodded slowly. Maybe my luck was about to change for good.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Arthur
“This family takes birthdays way too seriously,” I complained to Oliver, who was manning the grill. We’d all gathered for my dad’s birthday. Even Calder, who was still stateside, had come. It made me irrationally angry to see him, not Derrick. His crew was on extended shore time, but not Derrick, who was at the literal bottom of the ocean and not here with me where he belonged.
Meanwhile, there was Calder drinking a beer and laughing with my dad and giving me a very noticeable wide berth. If he was upset over Derrick and me being a legit thing, that was on him. But if the distance was more because he didn’t know what to say to me, that I could understand. I didn’t know what to say to me either. I missed Derrick more than I’d ever imagined possible. I’d thought I’d known what separation felt like, but I’d been wrong. And what I’d felt as a kid was far different from this adult reality.