Total pages in book: 36
Estimated words: 34054 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 170(@200wpm)___ 136(@250wpm)___ 114(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 34054 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 170(@200wpm)___ 136(@250wpm)___ 114(@300wpm)
“Why do you call me Billie Goat?”
“Does it bug you?”
She shook her head. “No. I mean, I get why Cain calls me Tinkerbell. I’m super short compared to him, but why Billie Goat?”
“You taught me how to be grateful,” I chuckled, rubbing the back of my head. “I was the mean, angry troll. Miserable. Out to burn the world down. I only went to those Nar-Anon meetings to get into your pants, but they helped. Talking to you helped me understand that I needed to appreciate the good and be grateful for it. You came along and humbled my ass like the goats did with the troll. So I thought the name suited you. What’s the second question?”
Billie looked away from me, a light blush covering her skin. “What’s it like? The sex between you and Cain. Why do you like it? It looked as if he was hurting you.”
“With Cain, I’m safe. He’d never hurt me. We have an unspoken understanding that I control my environment by surrendering to him. It’s good to not worry about anything and have someone else take the reins.”
Billie nodded. “Okay. I’ve picked my safe word.”
“Remember, it has to be something you would never randomly say during sex. Don’t pick things like stop because that won’t work with certain scenes.”
“Family. That’s my safe word.”
I smiled at her. “That’s an interesting word,”
Billie shrugged. “It’s how I see you and Cain. My dad is great, but he works so much that I only see him two weeks a year. He’s like a traveler popping by to say hello. And my mom, well, you know what that’s like. She’s so hopped up on her pills that some days, she doesn’t even recognize me. I’ve always been lonely. At least, I was until you and Cain. The word family seems fitting because that’s how I feel when I’m with the two of you. That I finally have a family. Saying that word if things get too much and knowing you’ll stop is perfect because family puts the needs of those they love over theirs.”
That was the moment I fell fast and deep in love with Billie Richmond and never stopped.
I take one more look at my girl before kissing her head. “I’ll get you back, Billie.”
15
Billie
The sun blares through the window, and I want to kick myself for not shutting the blinds last night. Waking at the ass crack of dawn isn’t amusing.
I turn my face on the pillow and see a battered brown leather notebook with frayed corners on the bedside table. I jump out of bed and unplug the side lamp, holding it up as I scan the room. I’m not sure how much damage I can do with it if someone’s in here, but it gives me a sense of security that fosters my bravery.
My phone buzzes. A text. I grab it.
Unknown: No one’s in your room. I dropped the book off last night while you were sleeping. Read it.
Me: Who the hell is this?
Unknown: Just read the note, Billie Goat.
Lars.
I place the lamp down and walk over to the book, brushing my fingers over it. It has the texture of good quality leather that becomes softer and more flexible with time.
The bed creaks as I sit on the edge and place the book in my lap. I sit for what seems like an eternity, staring at it. Unsure if I want to unleash whatever it holds.
Gently, I open the book and read the first line.
I lost her today.
The dock is a haunted memory of the love that used to be.
I’ve turned my back on her raven hair, finding my world in utter despair.
Rage took hold, and a garden bloomed.
Now I serve a dark master consumed by doom.
I lost her today. But what I truly forgot is me.
I lost her today. Now living simply for yesterday.
Acid burns my throat as another with midnight hair leaves my bed.
I lost her today.
The margin notes catch my eye. Written in large block letters.
I fucking love you, Billie.
Page after page consumed with lyrics and poems with notes to me.
I’m sorry, Billie.
Please forgive me, Billie.
I’m an idiot, Billie.
How can I live without half my heart?
Cain hates me sometimes. Can’t blame him. I’m surprised he’s still here.
The only time I don’t feel dead inside is when Cain hits me. Who would’ve thought being beaten black and blue would numb the pain? Well, at least for a short time. Then I come down, and terror stirs in my heart because you’re not here, Billie.
Tears brim my eyes as I read Lars’ words. I recognize the lyrics from my two favorite Gutless Void albums and finally realize why they mean so much to me. They’re about us. The four of us. The pain, the love, the rejection.
Lars wrote about it all, put everything in his lyrics, and bared his soul to random strangers as catharsis. Lars chose words carefully. He guarded them under a cloak with his emotions, only taking them out when he was alone. He was raised by a woman who taught him that his words didn’t make a difference in how others treated him.