Total pages in book: 109
Estimated words: 102282 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 511(@200wpm)___ 409(@250wpm)___ 341(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 102282 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 511(@200wpm)___ 409(@250wpm)___ 341(@300wpm)
“I’m impressed. I took forever to learn to swim. Hated the water. Hated jumping into the deep end for the longest time. But what happened to Joe?”
“There was a long line waiting to jump, and I was next. We were playing a sort of ‘can you top this?’ game, and I flipped, a tight tuck, knowing he wouldn’t be able to beat that. Well, Joe took forever to decide to go. People behind him were complaining and I shouted at him to hurry up and jump. He backed up, like he was going to take a running start, but he slipped. Came crashing to the pool deck.”
“Oh my God. Your poor parents. Poor you. You were right there. God. How devastating for you.”
No one had ever really put it quite like that to Renzo before, and he wasn’t sure how to deal with the sympathy. “Don’t feel sorry for me. It was my fault. I was egging him on. I never should have flipped—I knew he couldn’t do that.”
“Renzo. You were what—thirteen? You were a kid. It sounds like a horrible, tragic accident, but not your fault at all.”
“Dunno about that.” Renzo had spent the past fifteen years knowing he was to blame. Being around the family, even now, he swore he could feel the reproach piling onto his shoulders, even though most never said anything aloud about it. A few kind words from Canaan weren’t going to change how much guilt he carried with him. “Anyway, he was hospitalized for months. Months of rehab just to be able to speak and walk again. Traumatic brain injury—they called it a coup-contrecoup injury, which means damage on both sides of the brain. He deals with seizures and memory loss and cognition issues. In a lot of ways, he’s still a kid mentally. Never went to high school. Joining the military was obviously out of the question.”
“So you did it instead?”
“Yeah, see that’s the thing. Through it all, he had a really positive attitude. And he...he loves me. Like unconditionally. It’s hard to describe it, but I’d come home from high school and he’d be like learning to use a spoon again, and I’d tell him about my day, and he’d be so happy for me. So I tried to do all the things he would have done, so I could tell him about it. When I said I was going to join the navy, everyone thought that was great—college really wasn’t in my parents’ budget, and it made Joe so happy.”
“But did it make you happy?” Canaan tilted his head, looking up at Renzo with intense eyes.
“Yeah. It did. Like I told you about before, I liked getting in shape for the navy, liked transforming myself, and I...it sounds cheesy...but I found myself on the teams.”
“Doesn’t sound cheesy to me at all. I kinda know what you mean. I thought I found myself when we started the band, but it wasn’t until I was helping Grandma through hospice that I really found out who I was, deep inside. So I feel you.” Squeezing Renzo’s thigh, Canaan gave him an encouraging smile.
“Yeah. Kinda like that. I discovered who I was, away from the family. Got to be the guy I never could be at home, the guy I wasn’t in high school. People liked me. I had friends and people counting on me, and the adrenaline rush of a mission was something I came to crave.”
“And you were a hero,” Canaan said softly.
“That too. Not gonna lie—I enjoy that part of the job. I liked knowing I was a hero to the whole family, but Joe especially.” Renzo had to take a breath. Maybe that was why he got so touchy when his mom brought up the hero stuff now. There had been a time when he’d wanted to be a hero more than anything. But then he’d been out in the field, had buddies die, watched missions succeed and missions fail, and discovered that he was just a man trying to do a job, nothing more. But he wasn’t sure how to express all that to Canaan.
“I bet you are,” Canaan said lightly, oblivious to all Renzo’s inner turmoil. Which was good, and let Renzo move onto easier topics too.
“When I make chief, he’ll be the one I have pin it on me. He was more excited than me at BUD/S graduation. He forgets a lot of what we talk about and has to be reminded of stuff, but that’s okay. I love him.” Talking with his parents might be problematic and talking with Joe could be a painful reminder of what could have been, but Joe’s unflappable enthusiasm for all things Renzo meant a lot to him. “I try hard not to let him down.”
“I’m sure you’re an awesome brother.” Canaan pressed another kiss to Renzo’s neck, this one soft and reassuring. “And I’m sure Joe would be proud of you no matter what.”