Total pages in book: 126
Estimated words: 122030 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 610(@200wpm)___ 488(@250wpm)___ 407(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 122030 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 610(@200wpm)___ 488(@250wpm)___ 407(@300wpm)
“He wasn’t ‘involved.’ He just showed up after the fact.” Frustration tightens my throat and I swallow hard. I drop my legs and curl my fists on my knees. “You know what would be helpful, doc? If you could help me remember what fucking happened that night.”
She doesn’t even flinch at my language, but I apologize out of habit.
“Sorry, I shouldn’t swear.” I bring one hand up to rub my temple, feeling even more frustrated. Stuck. “Why can’t I remember?”
“You suffered a head injury,” she answers, her tone soft and rippling with empathy. “And you were drugged. Either of those factors alone could have impacted your memory. Together? I’m not at all surprised you’re unable to recollect the events of that night.” She sets her legal pad in her lap. “Have you been meditating? Last time we spoke, you mentioned you would try meditation again.”
“I haven’t. Every time I do it, my mind wanders. The only time I even got close to remembering anything was when I did the guided meditation with you,” I admit. “That’s when I remembered the voice.”
“The voice saying you were going to be all right, that you were safe.”
I nod, my heart speeding up again when I realize I can finally positively place that voice. “It was Fenn. He’s the one who said it, while he was getting me out of the sinking car.”
A chill suddenly runs through me, a lingering phantom sensation that washes over me sometimes. My body remembers how cold that water was. The sickening awareness of it rising up to my neck, minutes away from completely submerging me. Drowning me.
“We still have thirty minutes left in our session.” Dr. Anthony searches my face. “Would you like to try another guided meditation?”
I swallow again. Then I nod.
CHAPTER 27
CASEY
ON FRIDAY NIGHT, A TEXT FROM JAZMINE SIDESWIPES ME INTO AN anxiety spiral.
Jazmine: Ballard party at the lake. I’ll pick you up.
My first instinct is to say no. I haven’t been back there since prom night, and just seeing those words—at the lake—triggers a physical response in my body. Dry mouth and numb fingers. Dizziness and shortness of breath. Flickers and flashes of cold, wet darkness creeping up my legs grab hold of my throat and strangle me.
I should say no. Stay as far away as possible from that murderous body of water.
Then another voice tells me that’s the fragile Casey talking. The wilting flower. The delicate princess of porcelain and air. What happened to disruption? What happened to taking back my autonomy and becoming unflinchingly, unforgivably present?
But there’s more to it than that. Another motive that fills me with courage to face my Ballard demons. I won’t give my father the satisfaction of telling him he was right, but…
He was right.
The session with Dr. Anthony was exactly what I needed. Not because I’m on the verge of a breakdown—but because I’m in desperate need of a breakthrough.
I need to remember. I can’t keep living this way, plagued with this enormous black void where the truth of that night resides.
Still, the idea of going back without the proper support scares me a little. Jazmine is great, but we barely know each other. So I call Lucas for backup.
He picks up almost instantly. “Hey, what’s up?”
“Will you come with me to a lake party at Ballard tonight?”
There’s a short pause. “Are you serious?”
I laugh at his surprised tone. “I know, not what you expected to hear, right?”
“Nope.” He laughs too, before going serious. “You sure that’s a good idea? Can you handle it?”
“I think so, yes. Especially since I might have remembered something about prom.”
I hear his intake of breath. “Holy shit. You did?”
“Sort of. I did a guided meditation with my shrink. Like hypnosis, but not quite. Basically just trying to unlock the memories.”
“Oh right, didn’t you try it before? Your doctor said she thinks the memories are still somewhere in your mind and you just need to bring them to the surface.”
“Exactly.”
“Okay, well, don’t keep me in suspense,” he grumbles. “What did you remember?”
I take a breath. “I can give you a ride.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I remembered saying that to someone at prom.”
It sounds so minor, but those six little words are huge. The first real shard of clarity I have about that night.
I still can’t believe we managed to pry an actual nugget of memory out of my stubborn head. The last time we attempted it, it was like pulling teeth. This time it was far less difficult. Like a video game, where the first time you play it’s excruciating to pass a level because you’re muddling your way through so many unknowns, but after you’ve done it once and know the tricks, it becomes easier to pass. While Dr. Anthony coaxed me into a state of relaxation, I was transported back to prom almost instantly.