Total pages in book: 81
Estimated words: 82060 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 410(@200wpm)___ 328(@250wpm)___ 274(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 82060 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 410(@200wpm)___ 328(@250wpm)___ 274(@300wpm)
That made me blink at my knees.
“Sorry?”
“You have to promise me.”
“Darius, I can’t make a promise without knowing what I’m promising.”
“You’re going to have to think on that, babe. Because this goes no further until you can give me that.”
Fear was creeping into my veins. “What do you do?”
“Think about it, baby,” he said softly, carefully. “How do I know Lena’s ex was low-level?”
I turned my head sharply and said, “I’m tired. I don’t want to talk about this now. We’ll figure out a way we can spend some time together and talk then.”
“You don’t want me to run away from real, you can’t either, sweetheart. I’m sorry, but it is what it is. I’ll give you time to think about it, but I sense shit is coming to a head, and I’ve taken advantage of your denial too long. You’re right. It’s time to get real. And I’ll make you a promise right now, when we do, whatever you decide, I’ll honor it.”
There was something wrong with his tone.
It sounded…
Final.
“You’re scaring me,” I whispered.
“I’ve been trying to do that from the beginning. You just believe in me so much, you wouldn’t let it penetrate. I’ll tell you, I thought I’d feel relief when you finally got it. But that’s not what I feel. I feel the same way you feel. Except a lot worse.”
“Darius—”
“Take the blinders off, Malia, think about it and call me. We’ll talk.”
Oh God.
“I love you,” I blurted.
“I know,” he said softly, gently, and uneasily. “And that scares me most of all.”
I didn’t know what to say, so I said nothing.
“Think, baby, and we’ll talk,” he urged, now it was just soft and gentle. “Try to sleep good.”
“You too.”
“Later.”
“’Bye, Darius.”
I said it and he disconnected.
I just didn’t know when he disconnected, he was going to think too.
Think and act on what he thought.
Think and, to protect me, to protect our son, take the decision out of my hands.
So that goodbye was going to last a whole lot longer than I could ever imagine.
Chapter Seven
He’s Always Been Darius
Rock Chick Rewind
Also some time ago, but getting closer and closer to now…
I sat across from my son at our table in the breakfast nook off the kitchen.
It was Saturday. That day, we were going to the new build to have a look at the progress and make some final decisions about what we wanted in the house.
It was also exactly six months since that phone call with Darius.
He no longer replied to my texts or picked up the phone, but the envelopes were still on my counter every month.
He’d made the decision for me, him, all of us.
Since then, I’d run the gamut of emotions. Anger, first. Fear, next (mixed with liberal doses of anger). Back to anger (of course). Resignation (also mixed with anger) after that.
Finally, acceptance.
And sadness.
“You okay, Mom?” Liam asked, watching me and shoveling pancakes into his mouth.
I tried to hide it, I really did.
I knew with how closely he was watching me, I’d failed at hiding it.
“Can we talk about something important?” I asked.
He swallowed. “Sure.”
Was this right, what I was going to do?
Or was this about me and finding my way back to Darius, using my son as an excuse to do it?
No, it wasn’t about me.
This was right.
He should know.
“You’ve never asked…about your dad.”
He squirmed in his seat and looked out the window, plate of pancakes forgotten.
He was a growing boy. I’d given him three large, fluffy buttermilk pancakes and four strips of bacon. Grown men would have trouble putting away that much food. He’d score through all that, no problem.
“Liam?”
He looked back at me.
“No,” he confirmed he’d never asked.
“Do you want to know?”
“Not if it hurts you.”
Oh God.
My son.
I felt tears hit my eyes. “I loved him very much. I still love him very much.”
“Mom—”
“You need to know that. He loved me very much too.”
And he loves you very much too, I could not say, because he’d ask a question to which he was entitled to an answer, that being if he did, why he wasn’t around.
And I didn’t have that answer.
“We don’t have to talk about this,” Liam told me.
“I need you to know that.”
“Okay,” he said hurriedly. “I know.”
“He lost his dad.”
Liam straightened, his attention perking up. “He did? Like, his dad died?”
I nodded. “He was really close with his dad. He loved him. Admired him. It broke him.”
Liam said nothing.
“I didn’t…I didn’t tell him about you,” I admitted. “When I found out you were in my belly.”
He turned his head and gave me the side eye.
“I tried,” I assured him. “But honestly, not hard enough. He was dealing with big things. I was young. I made a decision. It was a mistake. He was upset with me when he found out I had you and he didn’t know.”
“It’s okay. I got you, and Grandpop, and Grandmoms, and Auntie Lena, Auntie Toni, Uncle Tony and—”