Total pages in book: 111
Estimated words: 111038 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 555(@200wpm)___ 444(@250wpm)___ 370(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 111038 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 555(@200wpm)___ 444(@250wpm)___ 370(@300wpm)
Owen and I had understood it even back then.
Nate had been close with his friend, and then Mom and Dad pulled him away. If someone pulled me away from Owen, I’d—well, maybe that wasn’t a good comparison.
But anyway, Nate and I had always gotten along. When I saw him, he was kind. He said all the things a big brother should say. He asked me how I was, teased me about dating. He asked about school. He asked who my friends were. And those questions were all easy to answer, but they were surface questions. Nate and I never went deep. I never felt like I had a right to ask him about his life, so I sat back and let Mom do the talking. What if he told her the kinds of things I told him? What if he wasn’t fully truthful because he didn’t want Mom and Dad to actually know how he was doing?
He had reason not to trust them. I got it. I wasn’t honest with my parents either. It was easier for them to think everything was fine, and for the most part, everything was fine.
I mean, really, what was my problem?
I had anything I could ask for, except maybe friends.
Having Blaise in my life was opening my eyes. It was as if I’d been living in a room with the shades drawn, the windows closed, and the light off. And I didn’t know it. I hadn’t known there was a world with lights on, the windows open.
Now I wanted things I’d never had before, like friends. How did I get some? Were they worth it? Or maybe not? Maybe they’d just leave too?
This made me feel like a dramatic, angsty teen because yeah, yeah, everyone leaves. That’s how life works. The world goes around and relationships start and end, but saying that to taunt myself and actually living it were entirely different things.
Blaise had chosen me. He’d broken through the walls I had up, though I didn’t feel like I’d really had the chance to build them with him. He was just in, and that terrified me.
But I couldn’t do anything about it now, except ride the wave as long as I was on it. When he would leave, I’d crash and hope to survive it. Because that’s what was going to happen. He would leave. I wasn’t being dramatic. I was being realistic.
I wasn’t the girl for a happily ever after. I never had been. I’d always known that.
Happily ever afters were for girls who were, I don’t know, loveable—liked by people. They weren’t freaks. They didn’t have damage. They didn’t go camping alone for days, weeks, and one time a full month by themselves. They thought that was crazy and ridiculous.
When I woke from the accident, I hadn’t just mourned Owen. I’d mourned the life I’d thought maybe I had a chance at having. He died, and I knew my shot at being normal went with him. People left me, so whatever. I needed to deal with it.
Right?
Right.
Still, I was fully aware that I shouldn’t have been scared to call my older brother.
“Just do it, Aspen,” I said out loud. I could do this.
My hand shook, but I couldn’t keep going this way.
I hit his number and waited, sitting with my knees pressed against my chest at my desk. It wasn’t the most comfortable, but it helped me feel safer. I felt like disappearing.
“Hey!”
Oh my God, he answered.
“Nate?” I coughed, my voice coming out shaky.
“Yeah. Aspen? What’s up?” I could hear voices on his end, and then he cursed. “You haven’t called me in forever. Wait, is everyone okay? I just saw Mom and Dad. Are they—”
“No!” My hands were clammy. I hadn’t thought about him jumping to that scenario. “They’re still in LA—for work, I think. Or maybe they were staying for a benefit.”
“Oh.” He sounded relieved, and the noises behind him disappeared. His voice came back clearer, louder. “So what’s up? It’s not every day my little sis gives me a call.”
He sounded cheerful, like he meant it.
I cried with relief. Why had I been nervous? Nate had never been unkind to me. Ever.
“I…” Still shaky.
I was such a freak.
I coughed again. “I was just calling to call. You know. Um…” I picked at the edge of my desk. “Mom said you were in LA?”
“Yeah. I’m here visiting some people.”
Cool, cool.
So cool.
Um. . . “So, uh, are you still in Boston?”
His tone shifted, growing softer for some reason. “Yeah. I’m still in Boston. I’m living with a friend who’s in law school. You remember Mason Kade?”
“He’s not the one in law school.”
“No, no. I’m living with his brother, Logan. We were all in a house with Mase and Sam, but that didn’t last long.”
“The NFL guy and the runner?”
He laughed. “Yeah. Sam’s the runner.”