Total pages in book: 215
Estimated words: 199344 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 997(@200wpm)___ 797(@250wpm)___ 664(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 199344 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 997(@200wpm)___ 797(@250wpm)___ 664(@300wpm)
Zoey rolls her eyes, her hand slipping into mine between us. “I outed her for trying to get with Liam.”
“It’s not like it was a secret. She did it in front of the whole football team. Word was going to spread sooner or later.”
“I suppose,” she says, clearly not liking it. “I just don’t usually like to play dirty.”
I scoff. “You forget who you’re talking to,” I remind her, thinking of the countless times when she has more than played dirty to get a win. After all, I was usually the one who got duped in the process.
We walk out into the afternoon sun, and I lead her right down to the football field, weaving through the pillars beneath the stands until we’re out of view from the school and able to have just a little privacy.
“Come here,” I say, dropping into the grass and leaning up against one of the pillars, pulling her down on me.
Zoey straddles my lap, her knees on either side of my thighs, and she leans her body into mine with her head against my shoulder. “You never said goodbye,” she whispers, her words slicing right through me and getting straight to the core of one of my greatest regrets.
I let out a heavy sigh, my hand roaming up and down her back. “I know,” I tell her. “I think about that every fucking day.”
She pulls back to meet my eyes, her brows furrowed. “You do?”
I nod, the back of my knuckles brushing down the side of her face as she leans into my touch. “You have no idea how much I hate myself for doing that to you or how many times I found myself standing at your door, ready to fall to my knees and beg for your forgiveness, but I couldn’t. I was drowning in grief and didn’t know how to process it. I was hurting everyone around me, pushing them away until they couldn’t fucking stand to be near me, and I couldn’t do that to you. I knew if I stayed, I would have hurt you the most. I was a ticking time bomb, and it would have taken only the slightest nudge to explode. So I pulled away, but in doing that, I still hurt you anyway.”
“I would have been okay,” she tells me. “If you’d stayed.”
I shake my head. “No, Zoey. You wouldn’t have,” I tell her honestly. “I don’t regret pushing you away because the alternative . . . I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself if I had hurt you like that. The way I behaved hurt the people I loved . . . It was so bad that only six months after Linc died, despite how much Mom needed him, my dad left. My own fucking father couldn’t stand to be around me. He decided that breaking Mom’s heart and leaving her alone to deal with the grief of losing her youngest son was easier than putting up with me. I wasn’t going to do that to you, Zo. I know you were hurting, and I know I was causing you undeniable amounts of pain, and I will spend the rest of my life trying to earn your forgiveness for that, but trust me when I tell you that despite how much it hurt, it was better this way.”
“Noah,” she breathes, her heart on her sleeve.
“I was so angry, Zo. The guilt was tearing me apart, and I know, right down to the core, that you would have sacrificed your own heart to heal mine. I hate myself for it, but I would have eventually turned that anger on you just to make you stop.”
“I hate that you were going through all of that alone,” she tells me, leaning back in and wrapping her arms around me, holding me close as her fingers knot into the back of my hair. “I feel like I’ve missed so much of your life. I was your biggest cheerleader for so long, and when you left, I felt like the other half of my soul had gone away.” She pauses, and I wait to respond, knowing she’s not done. “I spent countless nights wondering what I’d done wrong until I’d convinced myself that I just wasn’t enough anymore, that you didn’t love me. It hurt so bad. I’ve never been broken like that before. I couldn’t breathe without you.”
My head falls into the curve of her neck as her words crush the remaining fragments of my soul. “I’m so sorry, Zozo,” I say, my voice breaking with the agony of what I’ve put her through. “I love you so fucking much. I knew when we were only kids that you were my whole world, my everything. The sun and sky started and finished with you, but when Linc died, that gut-wrenching pain and grief . . . I never wanted to feel it again. But I knew . . . I fucking knew that if I were to lose you in the same way, I never would have survived. I know it was selfish of me, but every day when I fell to my knees and hated myself for what I did to you, I told myself that I was doing myself a favor just to keep me from running back into your arms.”