Total pages in book: 103
Estimated words: 98207 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 491(@200wpm)___ 393(@250wpm)___ 327(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 98207 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 491(@200wpm)___ 393(@250wpm)___ 327(@300wpm)
“Hey, mama.” I lean down and kiss her on the cheek. “How are you feeling today?”
She coughs and stares up at me through cloudy gray eyes. Those eyes that used to crinkle when she laughed no longer hold any light inside of them. Only pain. Her lips are dry and cracked, but she doesn’t even try to budge them. She’s too weak to talk right now. These days have been getting more and more frequent lately, and I know what it means.
She’s near the end. There’s nothing else we can do for her now except to manage her pain. Most of the day, she’s in and out of consciousness. On the days when she can speak, much of it is incoherent.
It’s the most awful way to watch someone you love go. Every night when I come home and see her like this, I feel as though I’m crawling across a bed of nails. But as horrific as it is, I know she’s grateful. Because she’s here in her home, where everything is familiar and peaceful. I wouldn’t let her go to a hospice. It takes most of my income to pay the home nurse and keep up on the rent, but it’s worth every cent. At least in the end, I can say she died where she was most comfortable. Where she was most happy.
It will be the only good thing I’ve ever really done in my life. The only thing I can be proud of. Ma would try to tell me otherwise, but she’s not a very good liar. She still thinks I’m a good girl. That I’m her angel. But she’s wrong.
I used to be good. I went to church. I volunteered. I worked hard in school. I did all of the things that my Ma told me were important, even when I really didn’t feel like it. I’ve been good my whole life, and where has it gotten me? A piece of shit wise guy and a mother with cancer. That’s where.
She’s leaving me soon, and I don’t want her to go. I tell her as much through the tears because I can’t help myself. She squeezes my hand, and it sends me into another one of my outbursts.
“I’m not your angel, Ma,” I tell her. “I’m nothing without you. I don’t want to try anymore. Look at me. Look at you. This isn’t frigging fair.”
Ma understands my craziness. She blinks up at me and a tear rolls down her cheek. I wipe it away as my own eyes blur. She knows where I just came from. She hates that I’m trapped in this world and that I can’t get out. I know she worries about me. That’s always been her biggest concern, that I would get out before she goes. But we both know that isn’t going to happen.
Getting away from the MacKenna Syndicate isn’t going to be easy. I know too much. Have seen too much. If I were to leave, I know who it’d be to hunt me down. I don’t want him to be the one to kill me. I could deal if it was anyone else. But not him. I can’t look into his eyes as I take my last breath. That would be even worse than death itself. It would be the most painful way to go. Because this time, after everything that’s happened… this time, I know he wouldn’t stop.
So for now, I just have to put it out of my mind and focus on what’s important. One day at a time, taking care of Ma. That’s all I can do.
I walk into the bathroom to grab a cool cloth. She likes this, and it makes her feel better. The one small comfort I can give her. I place it over her forehead and watch her watching me. Her eldest daughter. Her pride and joy.
“Do you know what, Ma?” I whisper. “You don’t have to worry about me. Because I’m going to get out. And I’m going to move to California. Near Em. Maybe I can help her with her school work, who knows. I could be like her math tutor or something.”
Her lips twitch, and I can almost see her smiling the way she used to. The smile that lit up an entire room. She was always so beautiful, and now, she’s just an empty shell.
“She says the weather is nice there year round,” I continue. “And I have a friend from high school there too. You remember Sarah, right?”
She blinks, but her gaze is fixed on my face, enrapt. Sarah still lives in Dorchester, and she works in a dive bar and has four kids, but Ma doesn’t need to know that. The hardest part of all of this has been for her to worry about what will happen to me and Em. And I don’t want her to worry. I want her to be at peace. I still feel guilty for my emotional outburst earlier, so I keep going.