Total pages in book: 103
Estimated words: 98207 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 491(@200wpm)___ 393(@250wpm)___ 327(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 98207 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 491(@200wpm)___ 393(@250wpm)___ 327(@300wpm)
“You’ve been down here for hours, mate,” he says.
“I don’t like kids,” I try to explain. “Because they’ll scream. And then… I can’t handle the noise. And I’m not good with kids. I’m not good with people.”
Crow stares at me, trying to work me out again. “I’m not sure I follow ye,” he says.
“I can’t ever be around kids,” I say. “Because they scream.”
Silence falls around us, and Crow just sits beside me for a while. He’s good at that. He doesn’t judge me. Or laugh at the broken bits of thoughts that I manage to get out. He’s usually pretty good at working them out too. Just like he does tonight.
“Ye know, Fitz.” He scratches at his stubble. “I don’t really think that’s true.”
“I can’t ever find out.”
“Ye know that dog ye have at your house,” he says. “That dog makes noises, doesn’t she?”
I think about his words for a moment before I nod. “Aye, I suppose she does.”
“And those noises don’t bother ye.”
“That’s not the same.”
Crow is silent for a while again.
“Well, what about Michael’s kid? Katie. Remember when he had to leave her at the club with ye that time?”
I do remember. But I’d never thought of it before.
“She was a baby.”
“Aye,” Crow replies. “And babies cry. And scream sometimes. But ye held her anyway. I think ye even calmed her if I remember correctly.”
I stare at the wall ahead of me. I know he’s trying to make me feel better. That’s what Crow does. But I just keep thinking how I fucked up with Sasha. How she might fall pregnant, and I can’t be the man that she needs.
I can kill for her. Fight for her. Do anything for her. Anything for her but that. I can’t be a father. I don’t know how. Just as I don’t know how to be a boyfriend, or a husband, or even carry on a proper conversation.
“Ye know what, Fitz,” Crow says. “I haven’t told ye before. But I’ve got this picture in my head, of how I want it to be.”
“How’s that?” I ask him.
“I’m going to marry Mack,” he tells me proudly. “She’s going to be my wife.”
I stare at him, and he grins.
“I know ye like her, deep down inside. I know ye do. You can quit pretending you don’t. Anyway, back to the picture I have in my head. I want to have a family with her. Kids. And part of that picture involves you, Fitz.”
“I don’t think I follow,” I tell him.
He looks at me, and he’s got that serious expression on his face. He doesn’t get it very often, but I know when he does that what he’s about to say is important.
“Ye’re a brother to me,” he says. “And I want my kids to know and love ye like I do. The way Mack does too. I want my kids to know their uncle Ronan. And I have no doubts in my mind that you will protect them the way ye do me. The way ye do all of your family here in the syndicate. Am I right?”
“Aye.” I nod. “I will.”
“Ye didn’t even have to think about it, Fitz,” he says. “And that’s how I know you’ll be just fine around kids. So whatever’s got you tied up in knots, ye need to let it go.”
He gets up and I follow him to the door. But before he goes, he stops to look back at me again.
“Ye know, Fitz. Sometimes people think they can’t change. But I remember that day I met you so many years ago. And if anyone ever tried to tell me you haven’t changed, I think you’d know exactly what I’d have to say on the matter.”
Chapter Seventeen
Sasha
It happened this morning.
She slipped away in her sleep somewhere in the middle of the night when the house was dark and quiet. Amy has been and gone as have the medical personnel. I watched them carry her away, and now it’s just me and Emily, sitting on the sofa, silence stretching between us.
It hasn’t really hit me yet. I think I’ve been preparing for it so long that I’m not really even sure how I should feel. Right now, I feel nothing. Just… nothing.
“So what now?” Em’s voice finally breaks the silence, somewhere in the late evening hours.
We haven’t eaten all day. Or moved. Or even spoken. But now she wants to talk. I knew it would come. She wants to get back to her life in California and pretend this didn’t happen. That’s Em’s way of dealing with things. Mine is to let her go and pretend I don’t need her. Because that’s what big sisters do. I’ve always looked out for her. Protected her. Sacrificed for her.
Sometimes I wonder if she knows how much I’ve sacrificed for her. To keep her life the way she wants it to be. So she can be young and go to school and have all those experiences I never got to. When I see her right now, looking at me like she doesn’t want to be here, I wonder if she even knows. If she even cares.