Total pages in book: 79
Estimated words: 74225 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 371(@200wpm)___ 297(@250wpm)___ 247(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 74225 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 371(@200wpm)___ 297(@250wpm)___ 247(@300wpm)
“That night everything changed in a flash of a second. Before I could tie off my arm, my gut twisted. I thought it could’ve been the guilt of what I was about to do. And I think it could have been a part of it, but when it passed I tied off my arm and just as I lifted the needle to prick my skin a pain tore through my stomach and I blacked out.
“I woke up in the hospital thinking that I’d overdosed. My dad was there and he told me I didn’t have any drugs in my system. He had tears in his eyes and when I asked him what was wrong,” my voice cracked. “He told me he wanted to be the one to tell me himself that I...” I took a deep breath to compose myself. “Sorry. He wanted to be the one to tell me the news that I’d lost a baby. My baby,” I said, a sob escaping my lips. “A baby I didn’t even know I was carrying for fifteen weeks. A little girl.
“I loved her the second he told me about her and I grieved her as hard as any mother can grieve for the loss of a child. When the guilt came again, the overwhelming maddening guilt, it crashed into me a thousand times worse than it ever had before and I realized that she was never fated to make it in this life.
“If it weren’t for those pains I would have used and I know in my heart that she wouldn’t of made it if I had. Or possibly me as well. That sweet unborn baby, who never stood a chance at taking her first breath, stopped me from making the biggest mistake of my life.
“She saved my life.
“After I got out of the hospital I checked back into rehab and I never touched a needle again. And every time I feel myself sliding down into the abyss I find comfort in thinking about her. In a way I like to think that talking about her gives her a new kind of life, because although it was short, it had so much meaning. SHE had meaning.
“I was slipping. I wasn’t strong enough to save myself, But it turns out that she was strong enough for the both of us. So now it’s my job to be strong for her,” I scanned the crowd and my eyes fell on the motionless shadow in the back row. “And I have no intentions of ever letting her down.”
****
I left right after my speech, not waiting until the end. I walked down the aisle to find the last row empty. Pain welled in my chest as I told myself that it was expected. There would be no reason for him to stick around after what I’d just said. I knew he’d be angry, I knew he’d hate me for what I’d done and he had every right to. But he had a right to know and although I was crushed he wasn’t there, a big part of me was glad he finally knew about his daughter.
I pushed open the double doors that lead to the front room of the church from the chapel and was about to exit through the front when a voice stopped me. “She was mine?”
I turned to find Preppy standing against the wall in the corner, his expression unreadable. “I thought you left.”
“She was mine?” he repeated.
I nodded.
“Fuck you,” he spat. “Why didn’t you come tell me? Why...” he stopped, pushed off the wall and came to stand in front of me. His eyes rimmed in red as they searched mine for answers.
“After how we left things I didn’t think you’d really care and even if you would care what would be the point? It was too late, there wasn’t anything that could be done.”
“I would’ve cared,” he argued. “And I could’ve been there for you.”
“I wouldn’t have known that,” I responded, biting my bottom lip and I could tell from the shift in his expression that he understood.
“You...” he started, his eyebrows furrowed. He glanced down to my stomach in confusion and reached out, placing his flattened palm over the fabric of my dress then bunching the fabric in his hands. I felt the warmth of his hand through the material of my dress as if he were touching bare skin. “You were carrying my baby,” his voice almost a whisper.
Although it wasn’t a question, I nodded, sniffling and shuffling my feet as he continued to stare at me as if he were seeing me for the first time.
“You had to go through that all alone,” he said. “My baby...”
“I’m so sorry,” I said, filling the awkward silence. “My body was still recovering and too weak to carry her and I’m so...”