Total pages in book: 77
Estimated words: 73425 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 367(@200wpm)___ 294(@250wpm)___ 245(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 73425 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 367(@200wpm)___ 294(@250wpm)___ 245(@300wpm)
As you can see, nothing ever worked for me. I tried eating right, exercising, anything I could think of, but I am just destined to be on the bigger side of things. I know my momma meant well, but my self-esteem really took a massive hit from those lose-weight-quick schemes, and I don’t think I’ve fully recovered.
I really thought moving out here and starting out somewhere where no one knew me would be the what I needed to reinvent myself. New York is supposed to be the city of possibilities and new beginnings. But all my hometown anxiety followed me, and now, I feel like a fish out of water.
“Mira, are you okay?” Jessie places a comforting hand on mine, as I try to put on a brave face.
“Yeah, I’m just not very hungry anymore,” I manage with a weak smile. “I think I’m going to go for a walk or something. To clear my thoughts.” I start to get up and Jessie follows suit.
“Let me go with you.”
“No, please, I’d rather be alone. If that’s okay?” Jessie is amazing and my best friend, but sometimes, I just need a little bit of space from the world so I can get my head back on right. My friend nods and sits back down with understanding in her eyes.
“You have my number if you want to talk.” I thank her and leave, taking my tray with me. On my way out, I dump all my food in the trash. I know there are children starving elsewhere in the world, but I don’t think I could eat it at this point. All I’d see is Cindy’s cruel face laughing at me.
I need to get away from all the people here.
I go to the closest bathroom and lock myself in a stall. The tears I was holding back start to fall. Deep down I know she’s just lashing out for whatever reason, and it really has nothing to do with me, but that doesn’t stop my crying. It doesn’t make me any less self-conscious about the way I look. I feel like such an idiot sobbing in the bathroom. Who even does this? It’s like I’m in middle school all over again.
Yet, I feel like a loser. A complete and total loser in this cramped, smelly toilet stall with my shoulders heaving. Maybe I should just leave campus, although there’s nowhere around here that I really want to be. Plus, this is a small city and there’s always a chance of running into Cindy, and I know I won’t be able to keep it together in front of her if she decides to go off on me again.
Oh wait. There is one place I’ve found that always makes me feel better when I’m there. Not many bullies would think to look in my sacred spot, that’s for sure.
I wipe away my tears and resolve to seek this sanctuary while straightening my clothes. I can’t look like a complete and total mess on the subway. At the very least, I’ll keep my dignity under the crazy florescent lights. Thankfully, where I’m going, it’s not about appearances.
I take the long way out of the school to avoid running into too many people. I’m sure my eyes are red, so I keep my head down with my bangs hiding my face. The subway stop is close to the school, and once I’m underground, I swipe myself in.
It looks like I have a little bit of luck because a train arrives less than a minute after I step on the platform, and it’s fairly empty so I can get a seat without having to worry about taking up too much space. It sounds inane, but I’m always worried about taking up too much space. I avoid commuting hours because I know the train will be packed, and I’m worried people will give me dirty looks for having such a wide circumference. When I travel on certain types of transportation, I buy two seats, so no one has to sit next to me and be worried about my fat spilling into their space.
How sad. What college girl should be having these thoughts? But it’s one of the indignities of being a curvy woman.
Fortunately, the train arrives at my destination within a few minutes, so I hop off, walking up the subway stairs. My sanctuary is about a ten-minute stroll away. It’s a nice amble, though, through one of the few neighborhoods in the city with a lot of trees lining the sidewalks. The sun shines through the leaves and the dapples on the ground make me smile in spite of myself. I feel better already.
I take my time, finding calm and solace being outside among some vegetation, even if it’s in the middle of the concrete jungle. It allows me to think. I ruminate on all kinds of things during that ten minute stroll, and finally end up outside the Village Church.