Total pages in book: 147
Estimated words: 137135 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 686(@200wpm)___ 549(@250wpm)___ 457(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 137135 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 686(@200wpm)___ 549(@250wpm)___ 457(@300wpm)
“Jeez, maybe Vi was right and I do have some closet daddy kink,” I murmur as I copy the link to the video. I don’t even realize what I’m doing until I’ve already added a laughing emoji and pasted the link into a Kik message to Gym Daddy.
Before I send it, I ask myself why I’ve suddenly discovered myself in this position. And with wine flowing through my veins and the lingering adrenaline-fueled excitement from actually speaking to my crush for the first time, I’m able to be honest with myself when I answer.
I want to impress him. I want him to like me. I want him to see the real me, being my nerdy, goofy self, and I want him to want me. Not the hot-looking porn author on the kinkster dating app, but the real me, hair in a rat’s nest on top of my head, glasses on, looking up from my laptop to deliver that punch line and make a goofball face during the laugh part, who enjoys being a dork and lip syncing songs and funny quotes.
I have nothing to lose, so I hit Send.
WillDive4Plants:
😂 *link attached
It takes a little while, which I hope means he’s watching the video and finding me amusing, but he finally replies.
RomanticSadistLL:
LOL you're awesome!
I grin like a fool. He could just be saying that and not bothered to watch the TikTok, but just the idea of Gym Daddy laughing at my dorkiness and thinking I’m awesome because of it is such an uplifting feeling I choose to believe he’s being sincere.
His next message reels in some of that good feeling though.
RomanticSadistLL:
Not sounding like I'll get to enjoy you though.
I let out a heavy sigh.
I go back to my previous thoughts about why I’d still keep Gym Daddy at bay if I know it only amplifies my feeling of being so utterly alone. There’s no reason for me to keep him in the same gated-off “book research only” compartment I put everyone else in, because I am attracted to him.
To an alarming degree.
Those other guys I spoke with, I felt nothing toward them. Not one single emotion. So I know a part of me kept them compartmentalized like that so I wouldn’t let my loneliness overrule my true wants and needs, so I wouldn’t give in and settle for just anyone to make that feeling go away. Because I know for a fact that it wouldn’t work, and then I’d be disgusted with myself, making things ten times worse than they already were inside this tornado mind of mine.
But taking Gym Daddy out of that box? That wouldn’t be settling. That wouldn’t be just to relieve the solitude. It would be acting on what I want, putting myself out there, but by doing so, I’d open myself up for being hurt.
Because as one of my asshole voices is taunting at the moment, Just because you’d be taking a giant step by letting him go further than everyone else doesn’t mean it’s going to be a big deal to him. You see how gorgeous he is? You see how charming and friendly he is at the gym? And you see how he has the ability to make even a best-selling romance novelist’s jaw drop with that message about getting to your knees and bowing your head? This isn’t his first rodeo, bitch. Be smart.
But I’m so utterly exhausted, so tired of always being cautious and “smart.” I want nothing more than to just give in to my desire, consequences be damned. My intrusive thoughts always make that damn near impossible. I never have time just to take a leap of faith and enjoy the moment, because the very second an idea pops into my head that seems like it would be so much fun or a YOLO experience, the voices jump on it like a swarm of hornets whose nest has been disturbed.
So being braver than ever before but still cautious enough to keep my voices from going into instant panic mode, I message Gym Daddy.
WillDive4Plants:
That’s something I'd have to psych myself up for, and it would not be quick. Soooo… just for research for now.
“There. Now he knows I’m interested but a little scared. If he isn’t receptive or is inconsiderate of that, then I shouldn’t worry about taking things further with him anyway,” I tell myself, more as a reminder to be strong in the face of such temptation.
To give him a little more transparency of my interest, I add to my last message.
WillDive4Plants:
Writing a book is how I get my thoughts about something in order🤷♀️ And it just so happens that I’m doing research for a book about a woman who tries online dating for the first time. Up until I received your message, I had little hope of her story being a happily ever after. Either that, or I’d have to lie my ass off about what dating sites are really like. Which would be okay, I guess, since I write fiction.