Total pages in book: 90
Estimated words: 87921 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 440(@200wpm)___ 352(@250wpm)___ 293(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 87921 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 440(@200wpm)___ 352(@250wpm)___ 293(@300wpm)
“No,” I reply vehemently. “Never. I wouldn’t do that. When we separated though, I knew I wanted to be with a man. I don’t know what details you want, kiddo, but I’ll say I met Derek and somehow…strange as it sounds…we just clicked.”
“He calls you Daddy. I have to admit, that weirds me out a little bit. He’s twenty-six? I’ll be nineteen in a few weeks. It’s…weird thinking of you with someone less than ten years older than me.”
“There’s nothing I can do to change our ages but in the grand scheme of things, I’m not much older than he is. I know some of it is likely confusing to you, but the dynamic gives both Derek and me something we need. I didn’t know I needed it before him. I didn’t know I needed a lot before him. He’s made me realize who I am, in a lot of ways. What I want. We work, Zane…somehow, we just work.” We really fucking did work and Christ, I want that back. I want my boy back.
When he doesn’t reply, I add, “It’s just a word. A name. Come on. Don’t tell me you haven’t heard that kind of talk. Especially if you’re sneaking into clubs.” I cock a brow at him and he actually blushes.
“Yeah, but it’s one thing to hear someone else say they want a daddy or a bear and something entirely different when someone is calling your dad Daddy while making out with him in the middle of a club.”
This time, it’s my turn to blush.
“He made me feel alive,” I admit. For maybe the first time in my life, I felt truly alive.
“You guys break up?” Zane asks.
“Yeah, we did.” I rub my forehead, just for something to do, as though it’s going to make me forget the emptiness in my chest.
“Because of me?”
“Yes and no. I was upset and worried about you, but Derek called it off when he didn’t have to, and I didn’t fight for him the way I should have.” But I know he did it because he’s scared too. Because he’s afraid of being left. Of being hurt. Of being that penguin who has to watch someone he loves choose someone else. I should have fought harder for him. I’d wished Derek had more people in his life who were there for him, who were who he needed them to be, and I’d failed him in that. I failed myself too because I wouldn’t have only been doing it because Derek needed it, but because I need to be that person to him as well.
“It’s never too late,” he tells me. “You’ve always taught me not to give up. To go for what I want. I think…I think it’s time you did that. Not think about me or Mom or Grandma. Just fight for yourself.”
I chuckle humorlessly. “I’ve heard that quite a bit lately.”
“Then stop being so damned stubborn,” he tells me.
I sigh, and then admit, “I don’t know if he wants the same things I do. I don’t know if he feels the same.”
“You’re cocky and stubborn and bossy. Wear him down, Dad. If anyone can do it, you can.”
That makes me laugh. I missed this. Missed us. “You’ll be okay with it?”
“Yes, but it shouldn’t matter if I wasn’t. But you’re my dad. I just want you to be happy. It was always more about you not telling me and my confusion than anything else.”
And as much as I love Zane, as much as he’s my world and I never want to disappoint him, I know he’s right. I have to do what’s best for me sometimes too and Derek is what’s best for me.
“I’m going to get a job, Dad. And I’m going to pay my way. If I need loans, I’m going to get them on my own. You raised me to be strong and to stand on my own. Don’t you think it’s time you let me?”
He’s right. Jesus, he’s fucking right. “Yeah, yeah, I do.”
I push to my feet and Zane does too. I pull him into a hug and he grips me tighter than he has in a long time. He’s a good fucking kid and I’m lucky to have him. “Thanks, Zane.”
“Sorry I freaked out. Sorry I made your boy break up with you.”
“You didn’t do that. Derek and I did it all on our own. I’m gonna get him back, though.”
“That’s what I’m talking about.” When he pulls away he says, “I have a feeling I might be some guy’s daddy too one day,” then winks at me and walks away. I’m in so much fucking trouble where that kid is concerned.
The second he disappears into his room, the urgency in me builds until it’s too overwhelming to ignore.
I want Derek. Jesus, I fucking want him, and I’m not walking away from him until he knows just how much.