Total pages in book: 90
Estimated words: 87921 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 440(@200wpm)___ 352(@250wpm)___ 293(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 87921 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 440(@200wpm)___ 352(@250wpm)___ 293(@300wpm)
They’re right because this doesn’t really mean anything. And it definitely doesn’t mean I’m okay or over Jackson.
But their support reminds me of something else I need to talk to them about. Now that I’m confessing things to them already, I feel like I have something else I need to get off my chest.
“Since we’re being all weird and serious right now,” I say. “You all know how I wanted us to sign up for that 10K for Alzheimer’s? I’m sure you figured out there was more to it than me wanting you to do some dumb run.”
“Yeah,” Hayden says. “We definitely figured there was something else going on.”
Gary adds, “I thought you were about to tell us the real story that day during the run.”
“God, you bastards really do know me too well.”
“You can fool a lot of people with all the jokes and smiles,” Hayden says, “but you can’t fool us.”
“Then you should know I have an uncle who lives at Cypress Grove. He was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s five years ago, and it hasn’t been the easiest thing in the world to keep a secret, but some of the times, when I’ve told you all I’m off fucking some trick, I’ve been going to see my uncle.”
“How is he? Is he okay?” Hayden asks.
“He’s doing as well as we can hope he can do, but it’s already pretty bad. He’s taken the meds already, and he’s past the point of them doing any good. He’s just downward spiraling now until—” I have to force the rest out. “I don’t know how much time he has left, and it’s something that I think about every day, every hour…constantly. He was there for me when I first came to Atlanta. He was a bigger part of my life than anyone else in my family ever was. He was the only support system I ever knew, and now I feel like he’s slipping away from me.”
“I’m so sorry,” Gary says, “and I’m really sorry that you never felt like you could tell us this.”
“It wasn’t about you guys. I want to make that clear. I’ve lived so much of my life on my own, doing things on my own, being my own person. I convinced myself that I can handle everything that comes my way, and I’ve realized recently it’s nice not having to do everything on your own.”
“A lesson from Daddy Jackson?” Hayden asks.
“I wish you weren’t so fucking smart sometimes.”
But it’s true. Even though I’m not going to be able to share another moment with him, what Jackson brought into my life—even just in this moment where I was able to push myself into sharing something so important with my friends—has been so amazing.
“Funny because he’s always the one trying to help others,” I say, “but I feel like he’s the last one to ask for help.”
“You really did care about him, didn’t you?” Gary asks.
“Probably more than I care to admit right now.” My eyes start watering.
“Oh, leaky fountain,” Hayden says. “Let’s toast.” He raises his glass. “To Derek finally being a grownup and admitting to us that he has feelings.”
I chuckle as his lips curl into a cheeky grin. We clink glasses.
“Sometimes I hate you guys so much,” I say, but really, right now, I love them.
“But just let us know what you need with your uncle,” Gary adds. “I know you said you’ve been taking care of it on your own just fine, but we can do anything you need us to. We can go check on him one day or if you just need a buddy there…we’re there.”
“Thank you. That would be nice. I think you both would really like Uncle Randy.”
In the back of my mind, I’m thinking, As long as he’s around, at least.
When we finish up with guys’ night, I head back to my condo.
While I push my door open, I delete Grindr from my phone.
I’m not going on there anytime soon. Of course, there’s that thought in the back of my mind that I need a one-night stand to get Jackson out of my head, but I’ve learned from every meaningless one-night stand I’ve had that no amount of fucking is going to magically make everything that happened between us disappear or have meant less than it did.
“Hey, Charlie-boy,” I say as I approach his little lamp aquarium beside my sofa.
I feed him and then I curl up on the sofa, laying my head on my arms so that I can watch him swim around.
“You must get really lonely here when I’m gone. I’d put another fish in there with you, but you’d eat him.”
For some reason, the comment strikes a chord in me.
“I guess we’re a lot alike, Charlie-boy. We just insist on being by ourselves, don’t we?”
I glance around my own aquarium, thinking maybe this is what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life.