Total pages in book: 197
Estimated words: 199143 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 996(@200wpm)___ 797(@250wpm)___ 664(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 199143 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 996(@200wpm)___ 797(@250wpm)___ 664(@300wpm)
“No?”
“No.” Leonard tipped his water bottle up for a sip, and then asked, “Let me pose it to you this way—when do you think you would have been ready to have a child?”
That was not an easy question.
Then again, very few questions Leonard asked him were easy to answer.
“I don’t know,” John settled on saying.
“The answer is probably never,” Leonard said. “If you think about it long enough, and allow yourself time to consider everything that you might want to have or do differently or whatever the case may be before you bring a child into the world, then yes, it will probably be never. Fact remains, even once you had all those things, and did all those things, there would be something else that would come up to hold you back.”
“You think I never would have wanted kids?”
“You want children—I know you do. You told me. Wanting them and being ready for them is not the same, John. Lots of people plan to have kids. Lots more struggle to have children, and pay thousands upon thousands of dollars to finally have their child. And then once they do have that baby—it is a whole different ballgame because life is not what we expect it to be, nor is it what we think it should be.”
Leonard smiled in that way of his again, adding, “No one is ever truly ready. Like I said, you can attempt something akin to preparing for that kind of change, and yet it’ll never be enough, John. Nothing is ever going to be enough to prepare you for the way a child will change you as a human, as a man, and as a husband. I know that’s not the answer you want from me, but it’s the best and only one I have to give.”
“So, you’re saying—”
“It’s not you, and it’s not being bipolar that makes you anxious and worried and ... not ready.” Leonard chuckled quietly. “It’s called being human.”
“Well, then.”
“Surprise,” the man murmured.
“Yeah.”
“For what it’s worth, and I know you’ve probably been told this by all the people who matter the very most to you, but you’re going to be an amazing father, John. Don’t let the changes scare you—they’re not all bad, I promise.”
“No?”
Leonard shook his head. “No, of course not.”
“How does it change you, then—why does it change you?”
“Because you’ll hold a piece of you, and you’ll learn how to help them grow and live, and always love. You’ll learn that it is absolutely possible to fall in love at first sight, and it will stun you at how much love you have for them in that very instant. You don’t know them at all—when they’re new and pink and squalling—and yet you do know them. Your heart and your soul, it knows them. It knows every single part of them. They will amaze you, terrify you, and captivate you from the first time they open their eyes, until the day you finally let them walk away. And they will teach you, too.”
Leonard stopped walking, and so did John. Glancing over at the older man, Leonard smiled back.
“They will teach you to look for things that may have seemed insignificant before, but are so amazing when you see it through their eyes. They will teach you to appreciate time, and how it passes. They will teach you innocence and grace and beauty and life. They will teach you how to be a better man, and how to be the best father. They will teach you how to forgive more easily, and to love more freely. They will teach you everything you need to know, and everything you didn’t know existed.”
Leonard nodded as though to himself before continuing with, “And they will do it without you ever having realized it until one day someone is looking at you and asking you how becoming a father changes you. And then you will know, John. You, too, will know.”
Baby Number 2
Luciano hid behind his father’s legs as the retching from the bathroom became impossibly louder. Even John cringed a little at the noise.
“Ma okays?” three-year-old Luciano asked.
John reached back and patted his son on the top of his head. “Yeah, Ma’s fine.”
“Ma sound sick.”
Yep.
She sure did.
“Siena?”
“Don’t fucking come in here,” his wife snapped.
John cringed again. “You got it, sweetheart.”
Whatever she wanted.
You know ...
“Go see Ma,” Luciano demanded, pushing at the back of his father’s legs with all his little might. “Go, Da.”
“No, I don’t think so.”
Luciano glared up at his father. “Da.”
John sighed.
On one hand, he was grateful his son was so protective of his mother. And on the other hand, he didn’t know how to explain to Luciano that no matter what John did in that moment, Siena was not going to be happy about it.
The last thing she wanted was him in that bathroom to hold her hair back while she barfed her fucking guts out. She had to hold onto a little bit of dignity, after all. There was very little dignified about being on your knees bent over a toilet while you upchucked your breakfast.