Total pages in book: 163
Estimated words: 164828 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 824(@200wpm)___ 659(@250wpm)___ 549(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 164828 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 824(@200wpm)___ 659(@250wpm)___ 549(@300wpm)
“So, you were having sex with her the entire time?”
“No, we were platonic friends. But I would rather go without sex than sleep beside someone else. In the end, I couldn’t betray her. Not even if I had wanted to.”
“Sleeping beside her was important to you?”
“She was the best thing in my life.”
I close my eyes in regret. Why didn’t he just talk to me.
“What was the catalyst for your breakup?” Amanda asks.
“She thinks that I only wanted to be with her so that I could have children.”
My heart sinks, and the apple hisses in the saucer on the hotplate. “Shit.” I snap as I lift it off the heat.
“How did that make you feel?” Amanda asks.
Silence…
“Nathan,” she urges. “Tell me how that made you feel.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Aren’t you here to sort this problem out?”
“I… I can’t talk about it,” he stammers. “I have to go.”
I frown as I listen. What? He’s going to just walk out?
“Sit back down, Nathan,” she demands.
Silence.
With a shaky hand, I sip my wine.
“I would like to talk about it if we can,” Amanda says.
“I can’t.” Nathan stammers and I can hear the stress in his voice. “I tried.”
Nerves dance in my stomach.
“Who did you try and talk to about it?”
“Eliza,” he replies softly.
“What did Eliza say?”
“She fobbed it off—said I was overreacting,” he whispers.
God, I did.
“She was more worried about my ex.”
“What about your ex?”
“He told her that he wanted me back, the day after I found out what she thought of me.”
“How did that make you feel?”
“I was too upset about Eliza to care about Robert. He’s irrelevant.”
“You don’t feel the same about him?”
“No. Eliza knew that. I told her many times I didn’t have feelings for him.”
“Does Eliza know how much she hurt you?”
Silence.
“Did you talk to Eliza about how you felt?” Amanda prompts.
“I couldn’t.” He pauses. “I didn’t want to be near her.”
“Why not?”
“Because I loved her with everything I had and still, it wasn’t enough.”
I get a lump in my throat.
Fuck.
“I don’t know why I couldn’t talk to her, but I couldn’t. I still can’t. I just… can’t talk about it to anyone, even though I want to. I don’t know. It’s fucking weird.”
“Nathan.” Amanda pauses. “Have you ever heard of burnout?”
“Like stress, you mean?”
“Burnout is the experience of physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion, often caused by long-term involvement in emotionally demanding situations.”
“What does that mean?”
“Could it be, Nathan, that you shut down on Eliza because you were battling with yourself over your love for her, and you had been for a long time?”
What does she mean by that?
Silence.
“Is it possible that Eliza verbalized your deepest fear?”
After a while, he softly says, “I already knew.”
“You knew what?” Amanda asks.
“Deep down, I knew she would think that I only wanted her for a child.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t fit into society’s box and she does.”
“How does that make you feel?”
“Sad.”
“Because…?” Amanda prompts.
“Because as much as I want to believe in it, love isn’t love.”
My eyes fill with tears.
“Out of everyone in the world, Eliza knows me better than anyone, and if she doesn’t believe in my heart,” he whispers sadly, “nobody ever will.”
The tears break free and roll down my face.
“Oh, Nathe,” I whisper. This was before he read my letter.
He actually believed I didn’t love him.
Amanda goes on to say something else but I don’t want to hear any more.
I can’t stand it.
I fumble with my phone and turn it off. Then I throw my phone out onto the couch in the living room.
I pour myself another wine so fast that it sloshes over the side of the glass. My heart is racing in despair. Enough is enough.
No more pain.
I sit at the kitchen counter and wipe my eyes. Nathan will be home soon.
I’ve cooked his favorite dinner and dessert. I’ve showered and primped and now I just feel so sad.
So guilty, and so, so stupid.
Nathan and I broke each other’s hearts because we couldn’t communicate. Now that I’ve heard those transcripts, it’s opened back up my emotions, and everything feels so real and raw.
I can’t stop crying.
I’ve listened to them all and I can feel his pain. I imagine him heartbroken and going to a stripper for sex. I can’t stand it.
I hear the key in the door, and I quickly wipe my eyes.
“Hey!” he calls happily. He walks around the corner, sees me, and his face falls. “What’s wrong?”
His silhouette blurs. “I’m so sorry, Nathe,” I whisper.
His brow furrows in confusion.
“Love is love.” I wince through my tears. “I should never have left.”
He stares at me for a moment.
“Can you forgive me?” I whisper.
He rushes to me and wraps me in his arms. “It was my fault. I should have told you.”
“No—”
“Ssh,” he cuts me off as he kisses my lips. The emotion between us is so strong that it tears my heart wide open.