Total pages in book: 97
Estimated words: 92136 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 461(@200wpm)___ 369(@250wpm)___ 307(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 92136 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 461(@200wpm)___ 369(@250wpm)___ 307(@300wpm)
“I’d go with the lesser amount to be safe.”
The thought of making an unsafe decision for Paisley nauseated me. “I’ll wait for Rachel.”
“Fine.” She kissed Paisley’s forehead. “Feel better, peanut.” Then she handed her to me. “I’m going home.”
Please don’t leave me. “Okay.” I watched her walk to the door, my heart hammering. “Emme, wait.”
“What?” She didn’t even turn around, and I didn’t blame her.
“Do you hate me?”
“No, Nate. I don’t hate you. I hate what you did, but mostly I hate myself for falling for you. For believing your lies when I should have known better. I deserve this broken heart.”
I swallowed hard, wishing she would be harder on me. Tell me I was an asshole. Call me a liar. Hit me if she wanted to. Hearing that she blamed herself made me feel even worse.
There were so many things I wanted to say to her. Simple things like I’m sorry. Don’t go. I need you. And complicated things too, like I’m ashamed to be such an inept father. Why does love have to hurt? You said you wouldn’t let me push you away, but you did.
But in the end, I said nothing, and she walked out.
Rachel arrived shortly after Emme left, out of breath and frantic to get her hands on Paisley, who’d fallen asleep in my arms. She woke up when Rachel reached for her and began to cry.
“Did you give her the medicine?” Rachel asked, holding her close.
I stared at her. “You told me to wait for you.” She’d better not be mad at me for doing what she asked.
“I know, but you were so damn bossy earlier tonight I wasn’t sure you would.”
I went over to the changing table, angrily grabbed the box, and brought it over so she could see the dosage chart.
“Okay, let’s go with one point two five milliliters. Open it up and grab the little dropper thing.”
We managed to get Paisley to take the medicine, although she wasn’t happy about it, and it took both of us to hold her still on the changing table and get the drops in her mouth.
“Good girl,” Rachel said, scooping her up. “You’ll feel better soon, angel.” She cuddled Paisley against her chest and looked at me. “I’m sorry about earlier. I didn’t mean to imply you weren’t capable of giving it to her, I was just scared.”
“I’m not sure I was capable of giving it to her. That took both of us.”
“You’d have figured it out.”
I shrugged. Only because Emme had been here. On my own, I was lost.
“It’s not like I know what I’m doing either, Nate. I never planned on having kids, either. I liked my life just fine.”
I didn’t want to talk about life before. I didn’t even want to think about it. “Do you want to feed her?” I asked Rachel, stifling a yawn.
“Sure.”
In the kitchen, I made a bottle and grabbed a burp cloth, then handed them both to Rachel, who was sitting on the couch. I sat adjacent to them on a chair and tried to stay awake.
“You look exhausted,” Rachel said.
“Because it’s fucking four AM and I haven’t slept at all.” I hadn’t meant to be a dick, but between the breakup with Emme and confronting my shortcomings as a father, my mood was shit.
“So she was up all night?”
“From about midnight on.” I yawned again.
“Where’s your girlfriend?”
“She’s not my girlfriend,” I snapped.
“Sorry,” she said. “You mentioned her name earlier. I thought she was here, that’s all.”
“She went home. After rescuing me yet again.” The words were out before I could stop them. My brain wasn’t functioning right on so little sleep.
“Rescuing you?”
I rubbed my face with both hands and dropped them into my lap. “I didn’t know where the thermometer was or how to use it. She did it for me.”
“That was nice of her.”
“Yeah.”
“How long have you known her?”
“A few years.”
“Earlier, she sort of made it sound like you two were a thing.”
I frowned. “We were.”
“You broke up tonight?”
“Look, I don’t really want to talk about this, okay? It’s none of your business and doesn’t really matter anyway.”
“Okay, okay. Relax. Jeez.” She sat Paisley up to burp her. “I was only going to say she seemed nice.”
“She is.” And sweet and beautiful and sexy as fuck, and I was never going to hold her again. Had I even thanked her tonight? God, my level of assholery escalated with every passing minute.
“I didn’t figure you for the type to have a girlfriend.”
“I’m not.”
“Then again, I didn’t figure you for the type to be a good father either.”
I’m not, I wanted to say. I can’t do it. I don’t know why I thought I could.
“And you are,” she said.
“Thanks.” But I wasn’t. I was a fake.
“Are you okay, Nate?”
I closed my eyes. “I don’t know. I can’t even tell anymore.”