Total pages in book: 77
Estimated words: 71082 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 355(@200wpm)___ 284(@250wpm)___ 237(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 71082 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 355(@200wpm)___ 284(@250wpm)___ 237(@300wpm)
Guilt fills me. It's not Ruth-Ann's fault my head is a mess. It's not her fault I can't tell which emotions are mine and which ones are remnants. She's not the enemy. She's just as much a victim of things as I am. "It's not you," I answer honestly. "I'm just having trouble wrapping my brain around some things. It's nothing that time won't fix."
"If you want to talk, I'm here," she says in that steady voice of hers. Her calm, assertive tone is so different from Ruth, who is all emotion, all the time.
Her quiet offer just makes me feel worse. "Thank you, but I'm good."
I'm not good, though.
I toss and turn in my bunk for hours, unable to sleep. Across from me, Ruth-Ann sleeps peacefully, and that just makes things more annoying. Before she arrived, Kazex had me in his quarters and he slept just outside the door, guarding me. Now that she's here, we're sharing a room and Kaz is with Erzah. It's not Ruth-Ann’s fault, but I'd rather be with Kazex. With him, I felt safe and protected. Maybe that's the problem. I'm safe here on the ship, I know I am. But I feel unsettled. Uneasy.
I miss him and his calm, reassuring presence. I adjust my pillow against my tender, newly-pierced ear and close my eyes, imagining Kazex and his easy smile...
I'm underwater. I can't breathe. My lungs are full of liquid, and yet I want nothing more than to take a breath of air. I try to push myself up and break the surface, but I can't. I'm...in a tube. A cloning tube. I press my face to the glass inches from my face and stare out at a lab full of more tubes, all of them full of people with the same face as me. I want to scream, but I'm drowning—
I jerk awake with a gasp.
Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.
It was a dream. Just a dream. I shudder, pressing a hand to my forehead, only to find that I'm covered in a clammy sweat. Somehow the damp skin makes things worse, as if I really was in a tube just now. I grab the edge of my blanket and scrub at my exposed skin, shivering.
"You okay?"
It's Ruth-Ann. I've woken her from sleep. She props up on her elbows, squinting at me in the low light of the darkened quarters.
I nod, rubbing my arms. "Bad dream. I'm going to go get something to eat. Don't wait up."
Before she can respond, I hop out of bed and hit the door to our quarters, opening it. I slip out and down the hall, dimly aware that I'm in nothing but a pair of panties and a short-hemmed sleeveless tunic made for sleeping in. My toes curl on the cold metal floor and I pad along the quiet hallway, heading for a familiar door. I'm not getting a drink, like I told Ruth-Ann.
I'm heading for my own personal comfort zone.
I knock on Kazex's door, even though it's super late at night. I'm probably going to wake up his roommate, Erzah, but I don't care. Erzah won't mind.
The door opens sooner than I expected. Huh. Kazex must not have been asleep. He's got a blanket wrapped around his hips and squints at me. "Everything all right?"
The sight of him is so reassuring I want to cry. Instead, I rake my hand through my shorn hair, the mohawk part of it sticking up, and try not to think about how I just want to bury my face against his broad, red chest and press my cheek to the tattoos on his pectorals. I shift on my feet, hesitating. Is this stupid? Am I stupid? I've been avoiding him for weeks now and suddenly one bad dream and—
"Do you want to come in, Ruthie?"
His voice is like a caress, soft and gentle, and no judgment whatsoever.
I nod, a knot in my throat.
He steps aside and lets me in, and the darkness in his room somehow feels better, more comforting than the darkness in mine. The faint scent of his soap lingers as he brushes past me, kicking aside scattered laundry on the floor. As if I care about that. Erzah's bed is empty, the blankets neatly made and his things tidy.
"Where's Erzah?" I manage, crossing my arms under my breasts. "Is he going to be mad that I'm in here?"
"He's got bridge shift tonight, and I don't give a kef if he's mad or not. You need me." Kazex puts a hand on the base of my neck and gives me a gentle squeeze. "You want to talk about it?"
"Nightmare," I tell him. "I dreamed I was in a cloning tube and I couldn't get out."
"Yeah, that's rotten." He squeezes me with that big hand again. "Need to sleep in my bed?"