Total pages in book: 104
Estimated words: 98134 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 491(@200wpm)___ 393(@250wpm)___ 327(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 98134 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 491(@200wpm)___ 393(@250wpm)___ 327(@300wpm)
Jesse’s jaw is ticking, but he nods. “I wouldn’t have hurt him. But I get it.” There’s something he’s not saying. A feeling my words released in him that he doesn’t want to give words to.
“Yeah,” I say, pretending I don’t feel it, too. “It’s kind of crazy. I really never had a dream job–just this vague idea that I wanted to do some kind of work that made people happy and let me work face-to-face with other people. You know? Just not sitting at home with a computer and Zoom calls, or whatever. And he mentioned this huge job opportunity. It’s the kind of thing I should be over the moon about, right? Like how many people would say that’s their dream job?”
Jesse nods. I can’t read the look on his face, but I know what I want to see there. It’s not fair and it’s not logical, but I know what I want to see.
“I mean,” I say, rambling because I can’t stand the silence. “I guess I can’t go my whole life just working little side jobs and hoping I’ll figure out my future later. Right? Maybe I really should consider taking a real job like this. It’s just so far away…”
I want him to reach across the table, take my hand, and beg me not to do it. I want him to say I belong here in Frosty Harbor with him–that he doesn’t care if we haven’t even known each other a full month, because he knows he doesn’t want to let me go. I want him to say all that because I’m too scared to make the decision for myself. I want him to convince me I won’t be giving up on this job for a guy who still isn’t sure he wants to be with me.
I want the kind of act of commitment people make after months or years of being together. I want all of that from a guy I’ve known for like twenty-five days or something? It’s ridiculous, but it doesn’t stop my chest from aching when I see the way his expression has gone flat.
Our server sets the food down and Jesse picks up his silverware, eating without a word.
My stomach clenches as I build myself a chicken, steak and shrimp fajita. I couldn’t make up my mind, so I went with all three meats.
“What do you think I should do?” I ask. It’s about as direct as I can bring myself to be. The question feels so obviously designed to get him to say what I want. Do you want to beg me not to go? Or even just gently suggest I could think it over through the holidays?
“About the job?” he asks. His casual tone slips into me like a knife, which he twists when he shrugs. “It sounds like a real opportunity for you.”
“Yeah,” I agree. I flash a smile that only lasts a heartbeat. “It does.”
I can’t handle the awkward tension between us after that, so I launch into a funny story from my childhood about when Jake accidentally hit a street hockey puck so hard it embedded itself in some guy’s Mercedes. After that, we talk and finish dinner, but the silences between our conversations don’t feel comfortable like they always do. They feel oppressive.
When we’re back at the cabin, I set my coat down by the door and rub at my temple. It’s more show than reality. “Ugh,” I say. “I’m getting a pretty nasty headache.”
He looks concerned. “Get comfy on the couch. I’ll grab you some medicine.”
As much as I want the routine where he pampers me to play out like it has a few times already, I shake my head. “It’s okay. I was actually thinking about just crawling into bed. In the guest house,” I add, because I don’t want him to think I’m talking about going to his room together. Every time we sleep together, I get more confused and I get more attached.
After tonight, I feel like I might need to start preparing myself for the end. Because, if I don’t, it’s only going to hurt more when I go.
And how can I not go? He’s going to think I’m some kind of psycho stalker if I turn down an opportunity like Landon is offering to stay here with him. No matter what we’re feeling, it would be crazy to make a decision like that after so little time. People need time, right? It takes time to figure out if you’re right for someone, especially when more than half of the short time we’ve had was spent aggressively pretending we were only fooling around.
My headache suddenly feels very real.
Jesse comes back with a bottle and taps two pills into his palm. I notice he not-so-subtly points the label at me so I can see what he’s offering me. Thoughtful. I smile and take the pills, then he goes and fills up a small glass with water and brings it to me.