Total pages in book: 104
Estimated words: 98134 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 491(@200wpm)___ 393(@250wpm)___ 327(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 98134 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 491(@200wpm)___ 393(@250wpm)___ 327(@300wpm)
"She came with her family for the holidays. I didn't know she'd be here. But I told her it was over.”
“I thought that was already clear?” Andi is speaking calmly, but there’s a note of hurt in her eyes that is breaking my fucking heart.
“It was,” I say. “I thought it was, at least. She… I guess she came here hoping to start things back up. But I told her there was no chance.”
“Right,” Andi says, her smile not touching her eyes. “No chance because you’re not ready for commitment, right?”
I hesitate. I know what I should say here. I should tell her the reason I told Sarah it was over wasn’t just because I felt none of the old emotions when I saw her. The biggest reason is because I’ve already started giving my heart to someone else. To Andi. But I can’t bring myself to admit that. It brings me back to when I opened up to Sarah and she vanished on me the very next morning. Andi already knows I’ve taken the step of admitting we’re together to people. Can’t that be enough for now? There are certain truths too dangerous to utter. “Something like that,” I say. I try to reach for Andi’s hand as a gesture of peace–a gesture to see if we’re still okay.
She subtly pulls away, looking toward the children playing in the snow. "I taught him that technique,” she points with the hand I was just reaching for. “See how he’s laying his arm back and using his hips?”
“Yeah,” I say, my gaze lingering on her hand instead of the kid as I think about how I’m already fucking this up, too. “I see it.” I want to say more, to explain, to reassure her, but the words don't come. Instead, there's this growing sense of a gap widening between us, filled with doubts and unspoken fears.
"Maybe I should head back," Andi suggests after a moment. "Caroline said there were more boxes at the bed and breakfast for the tree.”
I nod, feeling helpless. I know what I should be doing. I know how to fix this. The part I don’t know is whether trying to fix it is smart. Maybe the smart thing is letting the fracture forming between us continue to widen–to let us break apart before either of us get any more invested. "Sure, I can walk you back."
We walk in silence, the festive sounds of Frosty Harbor echoing around us. I glance at her, wanting to bridge the gap, to return to the easy connection we had just this morning. But the shadow of my past hangs over us. I’m struck by a feeling of awe with how fast and how easily something so strong can start to come apart. Maybe Andi’s patience for my reluctance evaporated when we came clean this morning. Without realizing it, I was supposed to be all-in and no more doubts. Maybe. I guess I don’t know exactly where I went wrong, but I do know the right thing to do would be to ask–to make some attempt to fix things.
And yet I keep walking and not doing that. I keep letting it get worse.
“Is it okay if I just call you when I need a ride back to the cabin?” Andi asks. There’s a new coldness to her voice I don’t like at all. She’s trying to sound normal, but I can sense the lack of warmth like a knife to my chest. “Unless Caroline can drive me, that is.”
“I don’t mind giving you a ride,” I say. I smile and take a step back. I want to kiss her, but I can feel it’s not the right gesture. She wants space from me right now. It’s why she’s politely dismissing me and basically telling me to go back home. To leave her alone today.
Why the hell am I letting this unravel before my eyes? Why am I just watching it all break apart?
The questions ring loud in my brain, but no answers come.
“Bye,” she says. She turns and heads off before waiting for my response.
I watch her go, kicking myself. What the hell are you doing, Jesse?
33
ANDI
It has been getting colder in Frosty Harbor, and the chill seems to be seeping between Jesse and me. We’ve still been civil with each other, but I haven’t visited his bedroom since he came back from talking to Sarah.
We’ve crossed paths in the cabin, acted cordial, shared smiles and rides into town. We’ve helped Caroline set up various events for the Frostival weeks leading up to Christmas. We set up a big train to run around the Christmas tree in the town square with the kids. We hosted a toy drive for needy kids, organized a charity date night where some of the players auctioned themselves off for a date with lucky girls from town. Mostly, they went to dinners with sweet old women. We had a throwback disco skate night at the harbor, karaoke, bingo, and enough events that every day has been busy and full of things to keep my mind occupied. Now that Christmas is close, we’re mostly just prepping for the big Frostival finale on the ice.