Total pages in book: 84
Estimated words: 80562 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 403(@200wpm)___ 322(@250wpm)___ 269(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 80562 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 403(@200wpm)___ 322(@250wpm)___ 269(@300wpm)
I bite back frustration. I’m going to tell him. Less than a week. I might even tell him tomorrow. I’m just waiting for the right moment. I’ll apologize profusely when I tell him and explain exactly why I waited. I know he’ll be angry with me, but I know Jake better than anyone. He’ll forgive me, too. I know he will. It’d almost be easier if I thought he’d scream and yell.
But it’s not like I just decided to keep it a secret for shits and giggles. I definitely had my reasons, even if they feel less and less justifiable now that Walker is born and Jake still doesn’t know.
I stroke Walker’s head as he falls asleep, reminding him to fill up so maybe he’ll let me sleep a little longer before waking me up again. He dutifully resumes feeding.
I smile down at him. “You and me, Walker.” I’m whispering so I don’t wake Jake. “That wouldn’t be so bad, would it? You and me against the world?”
Walker closes his eyes and seems to fall back asleep. I run my fingers across the few wispy hairs on his head. “But it wouldn’t be terrible if it wasn’t just us, right?”
I carefully put him back in his fold-out crib, set his small dinosaur lovie on his shoulder, and give him his pacifier. He sleepily accepts it, then lets out one of those tiny baby groans I love so much.
I drift back to sleep with a small smile on my face and a seed of doubt deep in my chest.
It’s an hour later when Walker is stirring and crying again. This time, his cries aren’t soft. He shrieks, and Jake sits up on the couch, knuckling his eyes.
“Is he okay?” Jake asks.
“I think he just needs a new diaper.” I start to pull off the comforter, but Jake gets up, sticking out a hand to stop me.
“I can handle a diaper,” he says. “Get some sleep for a change.”
I hesitate. “You’re sure?”
“I’m sure. And I’m going to cover up that little pecker so he doesn’t piss on me this time. Give me a few days, and I’ll be a pro. I promise.”
I smile and sink back into my pillow. I know he’s doing this so I can sleep, but I feel such a rush of appreciation for him right now that I don’t think I could sleep if I wanted. Instead, I watch the father of my child lift Walker from his crib and go through the steps I taught him yesterday to change his diaper.
Walker cries even harder when Jake picks him up, but Jake seems calm in the chaos.
“Hey, man,” he says softly. “Your mom is trying to sleep. Are you too little to learn manners? Because that’s bad manners. You don’t scream in the middle of the night, okay?”
Walker keeps shrieking–his little fists balled tight as he squirms and kicks.
“Okay,” Jake says. “Okay, fine. We’ll keep working on that.” He’s got Walker set up on the changing mat with a diaper in one hand and wipes in the other. I see him pause as if he’s mentally going through a checklist before he starts.
Jake raises a warning finger to Walker. “I’m gonna pop this diaper open. I’m here to help you, okay? If you piss on me, that’s going to be bad manners. Remember our talk about manners?”
Walker actually calms a little, as if he’s responding to the way Jake is talking to him in such a calm voice.
Jake touches the diaper velcro, pauses, and gives Walker a look.
Walker starts kicking and pumping his arms up and down. Jake hesitates. “That better not mean you’re excited to piss on my face, Walker.”
He waits, narrowing his eyes as Walker kicks and waves his arms even more excitedly.
I’m smiling as I watch the little show between the two, even though it hurts my heart. I’ve been doing this on my own for two months now. I know some women do it on their own their whole lives, and two months would be a drop in the bucket for them. But I’ve also been trying to prepare myself for that. Seeing what I’m missing by doing this mom thing solo hurts in ways I wasn’t expecting. Seeing how good Jake is with Walker hurts even more, especially when I haven’t told him because he convinced me and half the world he never wanted to be a father. Well, I suppose it wasn’t me he was trying to convince. But I heard what he said, along with everyone who watched his press conference during the Sophie Gray scandal.
Jake moves so quickly after he pulls open the diaper that Walker couldn’t have peed on him if he tried. He pulls open the diaper and sets a wipe right over Walker’s weapon in the same motion. He uses about three times as many wipes to clean Walker as I would have but otherwise does the job with expertise. It takes him a little bit of fumbling to get the fresh diaper strapped on Walker and then a few more seconds to get the onesie clipped back on.