Total pages in book: 105
Estimated words: 97740 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 489(@200wpm)___ 391(@250wpm)___ 326(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 97740 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 489(@200wpm)___ 391(@250wpm)___ 326(@300wpm)
But falling in love, because I’m certain this rather awful pain in my heart can only be that. One night, I stand a better chance of forgetting. Any more, I might not survive the aftermath. I cannot have his body, his mouth, his words and his mind, if I do not have his heart.
‘Eliza!’
‘To hell with you.’ I wrestle into my chemise and toss my cloak over my shoulders as he falls into the doorway, a dripping wet, very angry form of a man. Bare. I rip my eyes away from the pleasing sight before my heart can betray me any further.
‘I’m already in hell, Eliza, so believe me when I say it, nothing could worsen my position.’
‘Then it matters not if I leave or if I stay.’ I step forward and tilt my head with expectancy. ‘Please excuse me.’
‘I am not releasing you from my company.’
I laugh. ‘You speak as if you have a right over me. Need I remind you that you want not that responsibility.’
‘Loving is painful, Eliza.’
His family. He speaks of his family. The family the world believes he burned to death. ‘You will punish yourself like this? Deprive yourself of light and remain in the darkness and you will not tell me why.’
‘Because being associated with a Winters will certainly lead to your demise!’
I recoil, and he roars, turning and grabbing at his hair.
‘I never made any promises, Eliza. If you have allowed your feelings to go further, then that is not my problem but your own.’ He turns and his face is the most expressionless it has ever been.
He has shut down. I wish I could as well. ‘Johnny, let me help you,’ I plead, placing a hand on his chest, but he takes it and whirls me round fast, easing me against the wooden panelling.
He appears carnal. Furious. His hot breaths are rushed and his burning, naked skin searing the material of my cloak. ‘Do not speak words as if you are well-informed of my plight.’
I stare into his hard gaze. ‘Then tell me.’
‘I cannot.’
‘Then let me go.’
He does not, but instead slams his wet, hungry mouth upon mine and kisses me with urgency and desperation, growling like a bear, and, predictably, I fold under the promise of more pleasure. More escape.
Until he stops, panting, his eyes clenched shut, and pushes himself away on a yell of frustration. ‘Go,’ he demands harshly. ‘Go now before I…’
How has this happened? I was leaving and he was trying to stop me, and now he is kicking me out? ‘Before you what?’ I ask, goading him, so very furious, not only with him, but with myself for handing him the cards. For putting him in the position of power. Damn me!
His nostrils flare and, so slowly it looks as if he is struggling to even move, he turns his naked body towards me. ‘Before I murder you like I did the rest of my family.’
The sting is very real. He wants me to hate him. He need not try to make that happen. I do hate him. I hate him for making me feel these feelings and for denying them himself. My throat swells and my eyes sting with unfallen tears and like the coward he is, he looks away. Ashamed.
‘You have killed nothing except my spirit.’ I turn and run away from him.
And – I hope, I pray – away from these unexpected, painful feelings.
Chapter 14
Needless to say, I did not sleep one wink that night. Nor the next. Or the three that have followed. In fact, I fear I may never find rest again. The days are quite torturous, spent taking lessons on piano, learning a language I’ll never use and walking with a man I will never love, but my suffering pales in comparison to the nights. Sleepless, endless nights.
My mind is elsewhere, no matter how much I so wish it not to be, and yet for every second of respite I get from thinking about him, about that night, I pay for it with hours of torturous flashbacks. How could I? What an idiot I must be. By succumbing to the Duke’s charms, all I have done is make my future more difficult. Harder to accept. Harder to sustain. And on top of it all, I have no desire to write about… anything. I feel like a shell, floating through my days, an empty vessel that will never find fulfilment ever again.
Just imagine if I knew your mind well enough, paid enough attention, listened with a keen enough ear, to know your words when I am blessed to be reading them.
I could never have imagined that, something so wonderful. And yet I had it, albeit briefly.
It is the evening of the royal ball for the Prince Regent’s birthday celebrations, and my mood is low, along with my enthusiasm. Although why I need it, I do not know, for Mother has it in abundance, enough for the whole of Belmore Square, I expect. That was, until the flounce on her dress fell off.