Total pages in book: 61
Estimated words: 58988 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 295(@200wpm)___ 236(@250wpm)___ 197(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 58988 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 295(@200wpm)___ 236(@250wpm)___ 197(@300wpm)
Trying to work on my diary.
At least I’ve already finished this week’s advice column. Lawrence said I could skip it while I recovered, but I’ve never had a problem giving my opinion to the lovelorn and hormone-driven. I could swim in other people’s Kool-Aid all day long, banged up or not.
I guess you could say I’m like that one grandmother in the neighborhood who pries out all your secrets with homemade brownies and innocent smiles before telling you who you are, why you’re decisions are wrong and how to live your life. So yeah, like that nosy grandmother… Only with less mileage and more penis.
Dear Green,
My boyfriend of three years didn’t follow me out of the closet and the stress is getting to me. I love him and I want the world to know we’re together now, but he says his family isn’t ready. It’s been four months and I’m worried he’s the one with the problem. That he doesn’t feel the same way I do. Should I give him an ultimatum or will that pressure him and push him away? How do I keep him and stay true to myself? Signed, Loving Loud
Dear Loving Loud,
I really hope you don’t take this the wrong way, because we’re all proud of you for taking that step, but you need to turn that volume down for a minute so we can talk.
Coming out is a personal journey and I’m sure you already know it’s different for everyone. Yes, be proud you took that step. And yes, your frustration is natural, and he needs to know what you’re going through. But relationships only work if that goes both ways. So don’t give him an ultimatum without allowing him the time he needs to make his choice on his own.
When you remember that it took you three years, even with a man you loved in your life, for you to finally come out to the world? Four months doesn’t seem that long a delay.
Ask me the same time next year and my answer might be different.
Today you need to ask yourself a few questions. Do you really love him? Does he make you happy? Is what you’ve built together worth the effort and the patience he’s asking for? If yes is the answer, then your next step is clear. If not, then you both have some thinking to do.
Dear Green,
The straight guy I’ve been crushing on for years wants to “experiment” with me. I’d like to make sure he enjoys himself so this won’t be a one-time thing. What’s the best starter plug for a sweet virgin backside? And do you have any special tricks or tips to keep him coming back? Signed, Foreplay For Him
Dear Foreplay,
You’ve just described the start of the best gay porn ever!
“I’ll be in my bunk.”
Before we talk about my talent for inserting an old but classic Firefly reference into a butt plug question or the specific toys to drive your straight guy wild, can we make sure the man he’s experimenting on is okay if that’s all this is?
I’m talking about you. I’ve been down this road before, and if you aren’t careful, you could misread those road signs.
Everyone wants to be the reason someone makes big changes in their lives. We all want to believe that one look, one kiss, one perfect butt plug delivered by us can transform our frog into a handsome and in this case, enthusiastically gay prince.
Life, alas, can be a prick with a twisted sense of humor, and sometimes it’ll turn that frog into a morning after toad. You know, the one who acts like you’re a stranger or a bug on the bottom of his shoe the next time you run into each other. If you know all this and you’re still on board, the best starter plug would depend on how adventurous he is.
Take note: Heterosexuals have personal space boundaries and insecurities about their assholes that we’ll never understand. I’m sure that’s part of their allure, but it’s something to be aware of. Sometimes the most they can handle is a thumb after half a bottle of lube before they have to tap out. Then again, if you’re lucky, they’re anal savants and the world is your cucumber. Or your vibrating eleven-inch dildo. I’ve heard it both ways.
I’ll leave links just in case.
My advice is fairly straightforward. Some emails I get are deeper than others. Some are raunchier. It’s not quantum physics, and I don’t think I’m doing anything a good friend with a six-pack of beer and a willing shoulder couldn’t in my place, but I still feel like I’m making a contribution to peace on earth in my own small, if occasionally perverted, way. Little ripples, right?
It’s the diary that’s killing me. I wanted to finish what I started last night for the mid-week edition, but I can’t bring myself to do it. Why? Because while I was avoiding my bad date and trying to make my readers laugh at our expense, he was quietly plotting the ass kicking he and his friend had in store for me later.